...my mind has beenallover lately...

...life has been strange for me lately... some good ... some bad... and with how my mind worx... it is always flying from one subject to the next... that's just how it is... someone told me last night... i don't know you any more... well... at times i don't know me anymore... so much has changed in the past 6 months... year... 2 years... i am doing things that i would have laughed at before... i have returned to places that i never said i'd ever grace the doors again... when i was younger i spent some time being homeless... i said that i would never return to a shelter in any way shape or form... the things that i saw when i was a kid... i ran from... hid from... and denied for the most part that they ever existed... happened... in that as most know... i am back there... i am fortunate enough not to have to be there 24/7... but at the same right i am exposed to my fears.. anxieties... i have these periods where i feel everything i felt all over again... and yet it's different... it seems to be healing... instead of taking i am just being... talking... laughing... i even jammed with some folks... and for those who don't know... i used to play alot... but a time came when i stopped... i would only play every now and then... and then it ws only for my closest family and friends... i did sing on stage once recently... a duet... and it was a great moment in life... but i didn't play a guitar... yesterday... i played and sung... with Tawa... who i had thought his name was Tower... he has a heavy caribbean accent... he played drums... and Tony who also played guitar... in that moment i remembered music... i have always loved music... they way it can move your soul... the way you can hear one note on the radio and know exactly what song it is... and in the blink of an eye it can take you to a moment in time... it transcends everything... for me it is everything and nothing... when i can get caught in a moment like that... the rest of the world fades away and there is just that note... that melody...chorus... there are other things in life that can also do that... but yesterday... music is the one that did it... things have been so crazy in my personal life and work life... there is an amazing movement going on right now... and in turn it seems like alot of the world has gone a little haywire... at least it has for me... but that's just the way it is...so many things swirling through my head... i was once told now that i have made the decision i made that life would happen 24/7... i never knew exactly what that meant... until now... but at the same right... in many ways my soul has been filled to over flowing... in other areas it feels void...but at the same right... i guess that's just how God wants it right now... and all i can do is figure i just can't see the big picture... i can't see how the game plays out... and for me that bothers me.. i have had this illlusion of control all of my life... and now that the curtain has been pulled aside and i can see the wizard... life has a very different view for me... the hardest part of it... i am going into it attempting to use the life lesons that i have learned recdently and not the ones i formulated most of my life on... it's freaky at times... i find myself wanting to go back... and yet for me... i feel i have come too far to go back... i don't want to go back... i don't want it anymore... and yet it calls me... like golum looking for his ring... precious... precious... and yet at the moments where i feel it trying to crrep back in my new defaults kick in... and it throws me off... most know... i was no boy scout... and the things that i learned... my tools for dealing... were not good... it's weird... i don't go to those defaults instantly... i have bariers to stop it from happening... but my mind always likes to travel at the speed of light... so... yeah... idk where i'm going with this... so i'm just gonna relax... LLLAKYFOTPA