...late night thoughts after having an impromptu convo...

...as many of you know a couple of the pieces of art i have gathered over the years are some larger angels one on each leg... on guarding the gates of heaven so only the righteous  get in and one gaurding the gates of hell so that no one escapes... on the latter... it says around that angel... 'it is far easier to enter into the gates of hell than it is to ascend from it's depths'... as i was talking with a bruther of mine i suddenly realized how ingrained some things are... i remember being about 11 years old and a person told me that with some of the thoughts and opinions i expressed those were evil opinions and i was going to go to hell if i thought like that... this was supposed to be someone who was supportive in my growth... and at the time... my pop had just left... i was in the throws of puberty... so i just went with it... i figured i was goin' to hell so why try... by the time i was 14 i had shattered every one of the 10 commandments multiple times... had rolled over the 7 deadly sins like they were he speed up arrows on video games... i had become such a problem that my mom was forced to kick me out and because no one would take me... for a period of time i was living in a homeless shelter on the toughest block in Minneapolis when the city first got it's nickname 'Murderapolis'... the advice that was given to me by a worker who worked for 'project offstreets' a homeless advocate... 'kid... either get tough or die'... well... i didn't die... now advance 21 years... or 2 years ago and my life pivotally changes... one of the things that i used to write alot was 'don't know a heaven, but i've made peace with hell.' ...because i had... i felt i had done enough in my life that i was unforgivable... that i had not only turned away... but as many of you know... not only was i a malevolent sob... i took pleasure in tearing apart peoples faith... tearing down beliefs... and now... well i was wrong... i think the biggest part of it... i felt like i was unable to be forgiven by the one who created me... i had gone out of my way to sin in every way shape and form... with gusto... and search through my mind to try and figure out how to take my sins to the maximum... i think that was why i was able to be cold... calculating... the only person in the world that would take me beyond that point at that time was my son... he has always been that way... i remember thinking... look God... i know i ain't goin' to heaven... i'm ok with that... just let me make sure he don't go with me... i had developed tothe point that some of the people taht were closest to me were convinced i was a sociopath... and some still lean that ways at certain times... i don't blame them... i fancied myself as the anti-hero... the bad guy people cheered for... the worst part of that... i had trapped myself in all of that... even in writing this i can feel some of the nostalgia creep in... and yet the farther i get away from it... the less i miss it... all i used to think about was the power... sex... drugs... and rock-n-roll... romanticised... the farther out i get... i think about all the broken lives... and i think there is something that tries to tug at your soul and tell you this is where you belong... in the darkness... in the misery... you are unsavable... you are unforgivable... and it is the greatest lie you have ever been told... which is kinda humorous for me cuz i started with the left leg with no intention of jumping over to the right... my right leg says... 'the greatest illusion the devil ever created was to convince the world that he didn't exist'... i think that's what happened... i convinced myself that the devil really wasn't pulling the strings... it was me... i had become the devil... and so hell was where i belonged... now he may not be pulling the strings like a puppeteer... but one thing i have discovered... both sides will put things before you to give you a choice... a pivotal moment... and it's all in that choice... but what i have to remember... is the love... that's what keeps me in the direction... the love gives me direction... and the wings to ascend... even from the gates of hell... i dk if this makes any sense to anyone but me... but either or... the devil is gonna create a maze of mirrors to convince you that you are hopelessly lost... trapped...  unsavable... the thing you have to remember is that a mirror is only glass...and if ya bring a hammer with ya... you can bust a pathway out... i love each and everyone of  you and God does too... LLLAKYFOTPA XD