...a discovery... a song... and a movie...

sometimes thing just happen... life just happens... it is whut it is... well... in the past 12 hours i came to a strange realization... that some things can happen in life... and you bury them so far down... so deep down... that they never cross your mind... but at the same right they are always there... deep in your subconscious... rotting... their filth and decay eating away at the things that you placed on top of it to help hide the stench... as those layers go away... it's still there... seething below the surface like a festering boil... filled with infection... and then you scratch the surface... and there it is... for you to see... something that seems so distant now... and yet... when you tap into it... you realize that it has been there... all the time... and just taking the time to write it down... get it out... well... it just really takes care of it... to a certain extent... and now... it  hasn't healed... but it has been opened up... examined... and just by taking that moment... the moment to expose it and drill into it... it is very strange... it is a repeating memory... it is a hard memory... and it is a memory that i have had such guilt over for years and years and years... and yet by burying it like i did... i hid it away... not to even be remembered by my conscious mind... as i was able to actually write it down... before anyone goes into any speculation... it happened after my dad left... my mom had gone from being an up and coming house wife of a successful buisinessman to a single mom struggling to get by... either or... she would be the rock... the solid foundation... until she thought we were asleep... and then she would cry... sometimes for hours... and i would lay in bed... and do nothing... i wanted to hug her and tell her that everything would be ok... but i never did... and deep down inside... that ate at me... gnawing a black hole deep into my soul... and yet... i had buried it so deep that i never thought about that until last night... as i was working through that... I'll Stand by Hillsong came on the radio... it is a song that is about humility and surrender... as many of you know... i believe that music is a very spiritual thing... it can move your soul... and this is a song of forgiveness and love... perfect timing... i selpt well... all stretched across my bed.... peacefully... something i very rarely do... and then today... since this is my first all down day... i just layed in bed... sprawled across it with a pillow fortress to comfort me... heh... i'm still in it as i type this... i ended up watching an independent movie 'ink' off of Hulu.com... it is kind of predictable... but i thouroughly enjoyed it... it is a flick of id and ego and sin and salvation... without any preachy stuff in it... some very great movie quotes... and really likeable and hateable characters... but also some very introspective points in it... either or... once again... i just happen to find something that just speaks to me... so... yeah... with everything that is going on... not a bad past 12 hours... LLLAKYFOTPA