...faith...and holding on...

...sometimes i have up days... sometimes i have down ones... that's just how life is... when i have the down days something tends to try and point out what i see as my faults... mistakes... the should have... could have... would have... in talking to the amount of people i do i know that seems to be a basic human flaw... part of my ability to see only so far... in that are insecurities... self loathing... fear... pain... apathy... for me my worst default is apathy... i was once told by someone who's job it was to deal wiith people that were 'bad people' that i was the most apathetic individual that he had ever met... and that i scared him... i flash back to that when i have my down days... because for me my apathy was and can be tied to the part of it that makes it whut makes it so cruddy... selfishness... that part is whut gets me... whut has been a large part of a series of downfalls... in that hurting those that i love the most... with self fulfilling prophecy... and every other form of darkness that i can think of... it was said more than once... 'you have no conscience'... and... i didn't... i could travel through life unfeeling... stone... the problem with that... it was all a charade... i could feel it all... or at least store it away... that has been the hardest part of my change... looking into my once dark and twisted soul and taking ownership of it... in that... i was able to break free... but at times... i take those chains back... i have come to terms with most of it... and the chains that i carry at times become less and less... but the ones that i take back... are the ones that weighed me down the most... the ones that hurt the ones that i love the most... they wrap themselves around me like the tentacles of some deep sea monster octopus... trying to drag me into the depths that they once held me close in... the worst part of that... at times... i accept them... like jacob marley out of a christmas carol... i just accept them... i forget what my faith and my study has taught me... i forget the ways that i have changed... soem of that comes from the fact that some still see the old me... like when i told a bruther of mine when he asked me whut i had been up to i told him... 'being an upstanding citizen'... you woulda thought that i had told him the funniest joke in the world... and i had to look him in the eye and say... 'no.. really'... you woulda thought i hit him with a ball peen with the look he gave me... i have become used to that... from those folks... but then there are those few... who i have disappointed who i once held so close... and because i was who i was... selfish... self centered... egotistical... self righteous... they can't see past that... i know that it is because of the level that they cared... the level that they loved... and i can accept that... but it is a bitter pill to swallow... but all i can do is keep on keepin' on... marching forward... cuz the only thing stepping back would do is reaffirm to them whut they can't let go of... so... yeah... just had to get that off of my chest... so i will wait... and keep my faith... cuz when it comes down to it... if the rest of the world faded away... all i would wnat to be left with is faith and love... i love each and every one of u and God does too... LLLAKYFOTPA XD