Unanswered Questions

                In the DDC there are many secrets, mysteries, misplaced effects and gone astray people. Things happen with little notice or reason. You hear many stories, rumors, tales, and theories. Some of them are literally implausible and some of them so out of the ordinary that the challenge is to identify what ordinary is? There are great and wonderful tales of hope and there are tales of great tragedy and pain. This week, there has been a diminutive of both. Inside the DDC at the front desk there is an 8x10 photocopied print of a woman who had died at the hands of another human being. The picture is a memorial.  As you sit back and watch the community in action you notice that some people glimpse at the photo while others stop to take a long look, possibly writing a small note on it.  Despondently, I heard one man say, ‘That’s just how it goes down here’.

                The picture is of Lelia Kim Scott.  A beautiful woman who had walked throughout the doors of the DDC. She had hopes, dreams and goals. Just like you and I would. The obvious is that she was liked within the walls of the DDC. I suspect Leila had made some bad decisions and had , had tribulations in her life but, who hasn’t. She recently had gotten her own apartment; a place to call home, a place to lay her head, a place where people would not be constantly milling about. I picture her, just like any of us, walking through her new home and smiling. I picture her planning how to decorate her place, possibly wondering if this was a great beginning to a new future and I picture her being excited to be back on her feet again. Leila was a 44 year old woman.  A man in a fit of rage decided to end her life with a baseball bat. She was declared dead in her apartment due to multiple blunt force traumas to her head and neck.

                It has definitely been a diverse and difficult week at the DDC. And yet, God finds moments to walk into the DDC and remind everyone that there is hope and love. I have heard people experiencing homelessness say that living in a shelter is like the, ‘The Gates Of Hell’ and ‘The place that angels fear to tread’. I prefer to call it, ‘A place where God walks daily and often loving those most in need.’ You just have to keep your eyes and ears open and be aware. Reminiscent of what my pastor likes to say, ‘Come expecting’.

                There is a man at the DDC who shuttles food back and forth to some of the folks who just can’t get to the DDC in time for a meal.  Additionally, there is a man who collects clothes, sleeping bags, socks, and other basic necessities who also comes to the DDC. Some of you most likely have seen this man wandering the streets with all these clothes. He doesn’t carry them for himself, he carries them for ‘someone who might need them’, and for the people down at the DDC. Often times you will see person after person coming to him thanking him for the coat, sweatshirt, socks, hats, gloves, etc.  The other day a person was telling him that if he had not gotten that sleeping bag before the deep freeze, ‘I would a froze, I owe you my life dad’. She wasn’t his daughter per say, but many bond together for endurance and family relations. They love each other, and make sure each other are fed, clothed, loved and equipped to survive.  The mission is clear - one more day, one more chance to try and get it right.

                I often marvel at the resources people experiencing homelessness are able to tap into. Their resource needs are not met by e-mail, text, phone calls or mail. Their resources are by word of mouth. Sure, some have cell phones but word of mouth travels faster.  A caring heart and a giving soul gives a long time at the DDC. The way one’s needs are met at the DDC is a beautiful bond of love for each other. I often wonder if many of the folks I personally know would have the gumption and wherewithal to survive down at the DDC.  I’m not sure if I even would.

The greatest part of the DDC (whether it be crisis or care giving) is the spirit of those being served; the person experiencing homelessness.  People experiencing homelessness often are downtrodden, battered, used, and often times left behind. They have been through the wringer, have maybe made the wrong decisions, and have had dreadful things happen to them. And yet, they rise again and again!   They keep their essence and spirit fighting.   Not just for survival but because their God is an AWESOME GOD and God’s love, at all costs, prevails.

                Sometimes life throws that curveball, that thing that just hovers beyond your field of vision, and then ‘BAM’, right into the strike zone. The objective is to remember that the world still turns, good things happen, bad things happen, and people keep on movin on.

 I have been blessed to hear some of the deepest most insightful, spiritual thoughts I have ever heard.  I am a blessed man to be able to walk among these folks. And I am thankful to be allowed to see and hear their words. I love each and every one of you, and God does too. LLLAKYFOTPA

Let It Rain

Through the past week and a half I have gone through some very emotional moments. 2 murders, and the realization that I had not told my son about the murder of a bruther. I had received a tribute video, and was quietly watching it the other day, and Andre walked in. I had tried to stifle my tears. He had seen them, he quickly looked at the video, and said,’ hey, Uncle Mark, someone made a video of him’, and then the picture hit, the picture of me and 5 other men carrying his coffin, and his wife and his oldest son walking along side it, his now  10  year old son consoling his mother.  He then looked at me with tears in his eyes, and  said, ‘he’s dead dad isn’t he, he’s in the box.’  ‘yeah, Bubba, he is.’, I replied.  I watched as my sons eyes welled up, as he realized that the man he had known as ‘Uncle Mark’ was gone.

I hadn’t known how to tell him at the time it happened.  I remember  Mark making such a deal over Bubba and Mark Jr., that they were so close to each other in age, and so were Mark and I. We had sat and talked about so many things, hopes and dreams for our sons. What we were gonna do for father/son outings, how we were gonna all go fishing and then when our sons had sons we were going to sit on a porch as old men and laugh about how crazy we were back in the day and how far we had come. We had even decided on where us and our families were gonna build cabins, Cody, Wyoming, well just outside of there.  Then when we got old and grey we would get senile and feud like the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s, all the while our ol’ ladies and kids were trying to convince us that we really liked each other and we were just mad as hatters  and that was the only thing that was causing us to fight.

We had talked privately about the madness that our lives had become, and how we would have changed things. We talked about our crazy lives, the dealings with the Johnny law, the feds, and everybody and their mother’s who just didn’t like us very much due us being the men we were. I remember  the last conversation I had with him, I had told him what was going on in my life, how it was just happening, how the things that we had always talked about, I had told him that I was going to make a big change in my life, I had expected him to say some type of expletive and hang up, he didn’t. He said, ‘no matter what, I am always gonna be your bruther, if I hate you, who am I gonna take fishing with my boy, I can’t take just Bubba, so I guess we better stay bruthers.’ That was the last time I talked to him.

Just over a week later he was walking out of a bar, he was on his way home, probably couldn’t wait to see his son. Junior is a rough and tumble kinda kid so he and Bubba always got along like 2 peas in a pod. Great kid raised by a great dad and mom. As he left the bar, he was about 2 steps  from his bike, when someone called to him. As he turned to see who it was, 3 shots rang out, very shortly after that, my bruther Mark died, in the street, next to his bike, looking at a picture of his wife and kids, and asking the other bruthers around him to, ‘just watch out for them.’

I guess I never mourned him, or a lot of them, we all knew the life that we led usually ended too quickly. We were used to it, live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse, that was our saying.  Hopefully you have enough set aside for your ol’ lady and the kids to keep ‘em  rollin’ for a while. There were some times in the early 90’s where I lost count of the amounts of funerals.

                This week there were 2 murders of people I was aquainted with, one was shot, and the other, she was beaten to death with a bat. In the reflection of those, I have been overwhelmed with so much emotion, and in that, this profound understanding and healing. It’s hard to explain right now, I think I just had to type this out to just express myself for now.

                If there is one thing that I can think is most poignant of this. We live in a day where we don’t know which day is going to be our last. So in that all we can do is remember that yesterday is history, and tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift and that is why it is called the present.

                I love each and every one of you and God does too. LLLAKYFOTPA

The Song

                As some may or may not know, I love music, always have, and I have been told that I am a gifted musician. I have performed in multiple musical groups, from acapella quartets to chamber chorales, from duets in church, to very large scale concerts in a band. Well, I have had some very awesome experiences due to that, from listening to Handel’s Messiah Hallelujah Chorus sung by the Northwestern Choir and Orchestra, to a day like the other day. Part of my musical love is a belief that the world has a song, there is a rhythm that pulses in all of us, what is your heartbeat? A rhythm, when do we cease to exist? When that rhythm stops, and while that rhythm rolls the world has a song that just swirls around us, and when we get lucky enough, we get to harmonize with it. Transcending everything and anything, and just being in the moment of God’s song.

                I had wandered into Katie’s office, just to say hey. Katie is one of the folks down there that helps a lot of these folks into housing, she has been able to work with and house people who everyone else has given up on, one in particular, has multiple multiple issues, it was said that he would forever wander the streets and would never be housed, well, he just hit the 18^th month of living in his apartment. She has an awesome heart for the ‘impossible ones’, and is quick to show that through faith and love that nothing is impossible.  That’s the tragic part of a lot of this, most of these folks,  that’s all they need, someone to love them as a brother or sister, or even child.

                So, I stepped into Katie’s office, we talked about the center, plans for it, things going on around town, who needed what for what reason. Then a gentleman came in to talk to her. I have had the privilege to talk to him on a few occasions, his name is Tawa, he is from the Caribbean , he came to the US to find a better life. He is a regal looking man when you take the time to notice, he is average stature, very dark skinned, he keeps his hair up under a rasta style hat, which when you meet and talk to him, you realizes is the only type of hat you could ever picture him in. He is a cook, and from how he talks about cooking, and me loving food, he knows his stuff, but there is no work. He smiles a lot , I thought that was very intriguing, because in that place, smiles are few and far between. The magic behind his smile , is his love for God and music. He carries around a homemade drum, now in that right, it is a thing of beauty, carved from mahogany, with a goatskin top. He is constantly adjusting and tuning it to keep it’s sound perfect.

                At Katie’s request he started playing. He played a song from his homeland and then a few more contemporary pieces, that all of you would recognize. Actually many of you may have seen Tawa play before and not known it, but I will tell you why some other time. As he was playing, I found myself getting lost in the music, singing along, and just enjoying the moment. One of the other guys Tony had been on the edge of the office for a little while, and he just started singing along, so there we were just living in the moment.

                Then Katie asked Tony to play the office guitar, and he happily obliged. He started playing a blues riff, I could tell he was good, sometimes you can just spot it. As he played he said, ‘this is a song i have been writing, I just finally have started matching the lyrics to the music that goes through my head.’  ,and then he started singing. He has a great smoky bluesy voice, and his song, well, it was great, it was something that I could close my eyes and hear on the radio, and I’m not just saying that, it’s really good. I will not tell you the title of the song or the chorus, buy I do sing that catchy tune through my head a lot. As he wrapped up, we applauded, and I rose to leave the room. Tony, stopped me, ‘you’re a musician, right?’.  I quickly replied, ‘yeah, I used to be.’ ‘aw, come on man, you gotta play something.’’ He quickly fired back.

                I haven’t played in public for 3 years. I have performed on stage in a duet last easter , for church, but the last time I was on stage playing guitar for an audience was during my brother Paul’s benefit when he had passed, and that was only because his mother said that he had bragged to her about being a fan of mine and how good friends we had become, and he would want me to do it. So for Paul, I saddled up, and was moved beyond words when almost all of our old band, one by one, joined me on stage, and  using the house instruments we played some of Paul’s favorite tunes.

                Either or, I had not played for anyone other than my closest friends and family since then, and that’s how I was most comfortable, but for some reason, I said, ‘ok’. I haven’t actually played a guitar in a while. I took the guitar from him. I don’t know what it is about acoustic guitars, when one get’s put in my hand I can just feel it, I can feel the songs stir in me. I started to play, finger picked some classical stuff that I have known like that back of my hand since I was 15 or so, and then I felt it, the song I wanted to sing. I kicked into it. It’s a song that I have sung to Andre since he was born as one of his lullabies’, an old school rock ballad of sorts, and then it happened. Tawa started lightly tapping out this rhythm, that was just perfect, using his hands to create this orchestra of differing beats to accompany me, and as he did that, Tony started harmonizing and lightly creating a second rhythm with his surroundings. As we went into the second chorus, it hit, 3 men from completely separate walks of life, singing and playing a song that only one of us knew, and yet there we were, in harmony with each other. For that moment in time, the shelter melted away, and there was nothing there, but the song.  Just music, and for me, a moment where there was nothing and yet everything, for me a moment where God lifted our spirits to a plane where we could truly feel His grace. Not with a conversation, not with study, but with music. I think that everyone in that room felt it, and once again, I realized that I had just met some more brothers that I just hadn’t known before.

                “Music does bring people together. It allows us to experience the same emotions. People everywhere are the same in heart and spirit. No matter what language we speak, what color we are, the form of our politics, or the expression of our love and faith. Music proves: WE ARE ALL THE SAME.” –John Denver

God and the Frogtown Wendy’s

I was running late to the DDC today. The doors close at 1pm for cleaning and open again at 2pm. So I decided to hit Wendy’s in my old stomping grounds, Frogtown. It’s called Frogtown because it was built on a swamp, and in the early years at night the frogs would come up out of the gutters and make their way throughout the area. It is also notorious as one of the toughest neighborhoods in St. Paul. In the 90’s there was a short lived Police outpost on the corner of University and Dale which closed up shortly after it opened, even cops wanted no part of Frogtown.  It has changed some, the state did some urban renewal projects, but yet, for the most part it is the same old neighborhood.

I wandered into the Wendy’s, got my food, I love their $.99 menu, where else can a guy like me eat and get full for less than $5. I sat down by a man and a woman who were sitting drinking coffee.  As I was halfway through with my fries another man walked in. I could see it immediately, he was homeless. He wore a jacket about 4 sizes too big, an older Carhart work coat. It would have hung on him if he hadn’t been wearing so many layers, sweater upon sweater, but it being a balmy 4 degrees I found myself wishing I had been bright enough to wear a sweater. He had dirty black snowpants on, which alos looked like they were way too big and yet bulged with what I could only surmise were additional layers of clothes. Upon his head, he wore what I found out later were 2 stocking caps, and upon those, a traditional Mexican sombrero, or as I found out later, he preferred to call it a gorra.  He hovered by the door his eyes darting this way and that while rummaging through his pockets and slowly, methodically counting out all of his change, and then the moment came, there wasn’t enough, I could see his heart sink. I quickly shoved my hand into my pocket feeling for the 5 ones that I had there, but I was too late, he was gone. 

As I wondered if I should chase him down, he re-entered, followed by a man who could have been a social worker or something like that. The man’s attitude had changed, he was smiling and jovial, his pain had been replaced if for only a moment something else. As I watched he animatedly talked to a young couple in front of them, he was so animate it was almost humorous. I just sat there, trying to figure out what had just gone on. The couple in front of him seemed like she had  just picked him up from culinary school or something like that, they were both very well kept, and the man had what looked to me like a chef’s shirt on. They all went through the line.

As the man walked back with his bag of food he suddenly looked at the man behind me, and an ear to ear grin spread across hie face. ‘What’s up homie?!’ he said. The man sitting behind me looked up and smiled. ‘Well hello to you!’, as he greeted him he held out his hand,  they spoke quickly and cordially. I couldn’t help but watch this strange chain of events from my perch.  The young guy with the sombrero suddenly said, “Man , God is so good!”. My ears perked up. He said, “That guy right there! That guy, he’s a Christian!”, pointing to the ‘social worker’. “He just gave me $10 and told me that Jesus loves me! And then those guys! They’re Christians too! They gave me a Wendy’s gift card for $10! I’m gonna have food for a week!” The older man, a black gentlemen said, “That’s great Jimmy, He’s always there you know, he’s always in my backpack.”  To which he proceeded to pull out a well kept bible in it’s place among many of the things that he held dear to his heart.

At that point and for some who know me, I just do silly things, I pulled my bible out of my coat pocket and said, “He’s right, God is always with you, and I try to make sure He’s always with me.” Emmett , the older black gentleman smiled at me, and as I thought the moment was done, Jimmy looked directly at me and said, “can I sit here?’. I was humbled, “of course, I’d be honored if you did.” I replied. The next half hour I got to know Jimmy, Emmett, and Mary, the woman who was sitting with Emmett. I learned things about these folks that was so beautiful, Emmet is also homeless, Mary is a widow, and Jimmy, well Jimmy’s a mess and he knows it. We sat and laughed as old friends, we talked about God and faith and so much. Emmett met Mary at the Wendy’s, she get’s coffee once a day from there, and they just struck up conversation once and they have been coffee friends ever since. Emmett has been sober 2 years, and has this aura about him that is regal, his voice commands attention and yet soothes as it commands. Jimmy, well, Jimmy is lost, but he has a great heart and would come out with these just deep comments. Either or  today I watched God walk through the Frogtown Wendys, he took people who would never cross paths and gave them compassion for their fellow man. I would like to leave you with a Jimmy comment, he had a ton of them, and each one was just as deep and insightful as this one. I hope to have many more conversations with my new brothers and sister. Jimmy quote for the day. “I know I’ve screwed up, I’ve sinned, and then stuff like this happens, and I remember God loves me,  He loves all of us.”

Yes He does Jimmy, Yes He does

LLLAKYFOTPA

...words to my son and a pitbull mentality...

...one of the things that i have told my son over the years... God made us bigger, stronger, and faster to protect those who aren't... it's something that i have believed for a long time... and i have been told on occasion... that i have a pitbull mentality... i will not go into any sort of explanation of it right now as i am still trying to process it... i feel that the people who dealt this blow have no idea nor care what type of effect this person has had on their world and surroundings... and were able to make judgements on it without taking the time to even understand a culture that is not their own... when things like this happen i find it difficult to travel the higher road... i find myself wanting to lash out... wanting to justify myself into anything... the only thing i guess i can say at this time... there is some of this that i feel i may have had part in since i have never seen eye to eye with some of these folks... i wish they had taken the time to really look... watch... listen... and just learn... the indian culture in msp is like no other... you have a conglomoration that you may never see anywhere else... in that... there are deep rifts and divides like no other place in the us... at least as i am aware... the tragic part of this... the only thing that i personally see from this decision at this juncture... it that their decision will create a greater rift to a void... in turn creating a monster that they had a chance of slaying... i know that i may not know both sides... but at the same right... in travelling in the circles and dealing with the people that i do... i have heard much about this group and unfortunately the opinions on this group and they're dealings with communities at large... and it disheartens me... the funniest part... i believe that we should all roll under one banner... the banner of Christ... like 1 Corinthians 1:10-17... we should all roll hard and strong and as one... and yet we take the time to only partially understand the people we intend to serve and then for lack of understanding we give up the good fight... in our faith we must be willing to risk it all and give it all... not dabble... that is the problem... if these people had taken the time to understand... they may have seen it in a different view... you cannot erase the scar of a church that has lasted over 100 years in 3 years... that's like putting a band aid on a bullet wound... and then to abandon the community once again... i guess my issue is would Jesus have said... ahhhh... sorry... it's just taking too long for my liking... you guys will just have to go on your own... now i am sure  that some of this will come down to 'fruits'... like all ministries... we need $... to function... to eat... to be able to assist... that's just how it is... and sometimes it seems like the larger congregations run on how much $ did we make... i mean... we have our benevolence fund at an astronomical amount... but how much $ did we make... i am well aware of the book of malachi and the verses on tithe... but whe you are dealing with some of the poorest people... are you going to be the judge and the executiioner? what about all of the people who had been working through their fear of the church... let's face it... most everyone has heard of Jesus around here... and the sad part... someone along the way has done something in His name and hurt these folks... and when it comes down to this certain group... they comitted attrocities in Jesus' name... to the point of systematic genocide... right here... in these cities... in the name of God... and they expect 3 years to heal that... yeah... right... in this... i will not stop spreading the word or working with the group that they made their decision with... and at the same right i can now not have to pull any punches when it comes to dealing with these folks or in debating certain things with them... in that i wish them well... and pray that they find their way and that we find ours... and all of us can see the errors of all of our ways and just be... i love each and every one of you and God does too... LLLAKYFOTPA

...so much going through my head...

...been doing alot of soul searching lately... so much to process... my mind feels like it never stops... been working on a large series of grants that could change the face and structure of BTM... been working on an Spaghetti Dinner to benefit the homeless which will be taking place at Carbone's Lakeville on February 7th from 6 - 10 pm... shameless plug... been dealing with some very intense things from some of  the students and young adults that God has placed in my life with... murder... babies... addiction... crime... been blessed to have been able to really dig in down at DDC... and start preparing for the 2011 St. Paul Homeless Connect to which BTM has been invited to be a integral part of... will be counting unsheltered folks shortly for HUD... been talking to a lobbyist about advocacy... rights... and awareness for the homeless... so it's been a little crazy... and yet... the way that i have seen things coming together... people coming together... people from all walks of life... just being people... and in so... being beyond people... having a consciousness... and man... it's intense... so intense... i think the world has a beat... like a heartbeat... or better yet... a drum beat... and at certain moments... we can fnd the tune... and when we do... we transcend normalcy... for me... for a brief moment... the world melts away and we are just in tune... it's hard to explain... i remembered it the other day... i was honored and priviledged to be asked to jam with a couple of guys at the DDC... 2 men... that haven't forgotten that the world has a song... a frequency... a tune... and we had one of those moments... 3 men... from seperate backgrounds... seperate upbringings... seperate worlds... for one moment in time... transcended all of that to be in tune with the universe... the world melted away and we were just the song on the wind... it reinstilled this energy... this longing... this tune... everything and nothing... for me it's like you can find a moment where your soul just opens to the universe and you can feel something beyond... it's one of my spiritual things... but for me... it has to be the right song... i don't know where i'm going with this... other than... no matter how busy you get... always try and find time to keep your soul in tune... yeah... LLLAKYFOTPA

...a discovery... a song... and a movie...

sometimes thing just happen... life just happens... it is whut it is... well... in the past 12 hours i came to a strange realization... that some things can happen in life... and you bury them so far down... so deep down... that they never cross your mind... but at the same right they are always there... deep in your subconscious... rotting... their filth and decay eating away at the things that you placed on top of it to help hide the stench... as those layers go away... it's still there... seething below the surface like a festering boil... filled with infection... and then you scratch the surface... and there it is... for you to see... something that seems so distant now... and yet... when you tap into it... you realize that it has been there... all the time... and just taking the time to write it down... get it out... well... it just really takes care of it... to a certain extent... and now... it  hasn't healed... but it has been opened up... examined... and just by taking that moment... the moment to expose it and drill into it... it is very strange... it is a repeating memory... it is a hard memory... and it is a memory that i have had such guilt over for years and years and years... and yet by burying it like i did... i hid it away... not to even be remembered by my conscious mind... as i was able to actually write it down... before anyone goes into any speculation... it happened after my dad left... my mom had gone from being an up and coming house wife of a successful buisinessman to a single mom struggling to get by... either or... she would be the rock... the solid foundation... until she thought we were asleep... and then she would cry... sometimes for hours... and i would lay in bed... and do nothing... i wanted to hug her and tell her that everything would be ok... but i never did... and deep down inside... that ate at me... gnawing a black hole deep into my soul... and yet... i had buried it so deep that i never thought about that until last night... as i was working through that... I'll Stand by Hillsong came on the radio... it is a song that is about humility and surrender... as many of you know... i believe that music is a very spiritual thing... it can move your soul... and this is a song of forgiveness and love... perfect timing... i selpt well... all stretched across my bed.... peacefully... something i very rarely do... and then today... since this is my first all down day... i just layed in bed... sprawled across it with a pillow fortress to comfort me... heh... i'm still in it as i type this... i ended up watching an independent movie 'ink' off of Hulu.com... it is kind of predictable... but i thouroughly enjoyed it... it is a flick of id and ego and sin and salvation... without any preachy stuff in it... some very great movie quotes... and really likeable and hateable characters... but also some very introspective points in it... either or... once again... i just happen to find something that just speaks to me... so... yeah... with everything that is going on... not a bad past 12 hours... LLLAKYFOTPA

...my mind has beenallover lately...

...life has been strange for me lately... some good ... some bad... and with how my mind worx... it is always flying from one subject to the next... that's just how it is... someone told me last night... i don't know you any more... well... at times i don't know me anymore... so much has changed in the past 6 months... year... 2 years... i am doing things that i would have laughed at before... i have returned to places that i never said i'd ever grace the doors again... when i was younger i spent some time being homeless... i said that i would never return to a shelter in any way shape or form... the things that i saw when i was a kid... i ran from... hid from... and denied for the most part that they ever existed... happened... in that as most know... i am back there... i am fortunate enough not to have to be there 24/7... but at the same right i am exposed to my fears.. anxieties... i have these periods where i feel everything i felt all over again... and yet it's different... it seems to be healing... instead of taking i am just being... talking... laughing... i even jammed with some folks... and for those who don't know... i used to play alot... but a time came when i stopped... i would only play every now and then... and then it ws only for my closest family and friends... i did sing on stage once recently... a duet... and it was a great moment in life... but i didn't play a guitar... yesterday... i played and sung... with Tawa... who i had thought his name was Tower... he has a heavy caribbean accent... he played drums... and Tony who also played guitar... in that moment i remembered music... i have always loved music... they way it can move your soul... the way you can hear one note on the radio and know exactly what song it is... and in the blink of an eye it can take you to a moment in time... it transcends everything... for me it is everything and nothing... when i can get caught in a moment like that... the rest of the world fades away and there is just that note... that melody...chorus... there are other things in life that can also do that... but yesterday... music is the one that did it... things have been so crazy in my personal life and work life... there is an amazing movement going on right now... and in turn it seems like alot of the world has gone a little haywire... at least it has for me... but that's just the way it is...so many things swirling through my head... i was once told now that i have made the decision i made that life would happen 24/7... i never knew exactly what that meant... until now... but at the same right... in many ways my soul has been filled to over flowing... in other areas it feels void...but at the same right... i guess that's just how God wants it right now... and all i can do is figure i just can't see the big picture... i can't see how the game plays out... and for me that bothers me.. i have had this illlusion of control all of my life... and now that the curtain has been pulled aside and i can see the wizard... life has a very different view for me... the hardest part of it... i am going into it attempting to use the life lesons that i have learned recdently and not the ones i formulated most of my life on... it's freaky at times... i find myself wanting to go back... and yet for me... i feel i have come too far to go back... i don't want to go back... i don't want it anymore... and yet it calls me... like golum looking for his ring... precious... precious... and yet at the moments where i feel it trying to crrep back in my new defaults kick in... and it throws me off... most know... i was no boy scout... and the things that i learned... my tools for dealing... were not good... it's weird... i don't go to those defaults instantly... i have bariers to stop it from happening... but my mind always likes to travel at the speed of light... so... yeah... idk where i'm going with this... so i'm just gonna relax... LLLAKYFOTPA

fear... namelessness... facelessness... and faith...

i have been a person who only shows so much...who lives in a life of smoke and mirrors... i had so many lives i had issues keeping track of them... so many webs of lies... trying to keep them all together... Todd Finney... Preacher... Joker... and the list goes on and on... i remember going to the WI Dells with some friends when i was about 16...  well one night me and one of the guys were wandering around... we were checking out some really cool classic cars in a lot close to where we were camping... well... someone thought a couple of kids wandering around a car lot late at night was suspicious... and called the cops... the cop shows up and ask for our names... my friend gave his first... and then it was my turn... i had multiple warrants out for various issues i had had... so i gave my 'name'... birthdate...social... i remember him looking at me on the way back... because the name... birthdate and social i gave the cop... were not mine... well they weren't Todd Finney's but they did legally check out to a guy who fit my description to a T... no pun intended... heh... his fingerprints... if he ever would have been fingerprinted were the same as mine... even at 16 i was not me... i was someone else... one thing that came to light today... for one reason or another... many of us create aliases... some of us... many of them... til i got rid of them all... i could 'legally' assume the identity of 4 seperate people... not including myself... i also had street names... and noms de plume since i wrote alot too... yeah... the funny thing i found... for me... i lost myself in those names... all of those names... i now pretty much go by 2 of them... Preacher... cuz... well... i'm used to it... and i was always least defined by that one... and Todd... i still get those days where someone will call out... 'Hey Todd'... and i don't recognize it as them calling me... the thing i realized... we can get lost in our names... we let them define us to points of insanity... who we are... how we think... how we act... many of the folks i know have lost their names along the way... and yet they have adopted other names that seem to fit them better... the funny part of that... it happens... and sometimes the name fits us better... Saul becomes Paul... and so on and so forth... heh... i got one guy who is intent on calling me Michael lately... haven't figure that one out yet... not Mike... or Mikey... or Mickey... Michael... he don't even know why he does it... lol... either or... we all take on things and refuse to face things or find solitude in that... i guess when it comes down to it... i am whut i am and that's all that i am... hehehe... for whatevere reason we do whut we do... let it be for the reality that weare who we are... and not because our name... face... or lack of defines us... LLLAKYFOTPA

...a quote and a thought...

They came first for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.
Then they came for me
and by that time no one was left to speak up.
- Martin Niemöller

...thought... if we are going to stand up for ourselves... why can't we stand for our fellow man... we are on the brink of something folks... the edge... and soon... things will change... and it is up to us if it is for the better or not... how can we change it... by just standing beside each other... embracing our similarities not our differences... one of  my favorite quotes is 'i never noticed what color my friends were until we started celebrating diversity'... but there is also one other that runs alongside of that one... 'they taught me how to hate so now it is easy'.... mark my words... there is a great upheaval coming... and either we can fight against it or for it... it will be the same old tactic... divide and conquer... and it is coming... but we can fight it together... hand in hand... how?... with love... by loving our fellow man and making his fight ours... on what?... for me... the reason this country was founded... FREEDOM... the freedom to do what ever we want as long as it does not enfringe on our fellow man or his rights as laid down by the Bill Of Rights... the original... not the ratified piece of paper that our current powers that be treat like it was written in pencil or made of buttwipe... the one that gives us our RIGHT... to LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS... as long as we do not enfringe on any other person's rights... i am afraid that this is all going to come to a head.. and the outcome is not going to be pretty... so please my bruthers and sisturs... spread the love... feed the fire of freedom by standing by your fellow man and not being afraid to do what's right... LLLAKFOTPA

...heh... a strange weekend... to day the least...

...just has been turmoil... turbulence... tryin'... and yet in it... i have found confirmation... funny how the songs that you hear... the people that you meet... just seem to sway you in so many ways... the way life is... i was pushed to make a decision on friday night... and yet... it was almost made for me... it came to choosing one way or the other... as many know i work in ministry... in alot of ways that is what keeps me sane... working in faith... working with some of the people that i do in any one of the places that God puts me in a day and how it all intertwines... my decision changed my life path... i had planned out things one way... but in that i was asked to go against what i now believe in... for i know it sounds crazy... at least it does for me... i am called to be on the frontlines... to be in the trenches... to go where the day takes me and God places me... in that... i have had some strange and wonderful things... i have seen things in places that you would least expect it... miracles... love... hope... laughter and song... in places that have been written off by general society... with people who have been written off by general society... in these places and by these people i have seen love and compassion that i don't see in many of the churches that i have visited... i have seen faith... hope and love that overflows... see for me... the funniest part... these people have taught me so much... the 'at risk' or 'give up on 'em' kids... the 'useless' bums... the strangest thing... many of them have things that we have lost... why... because it is all they have left... it is something that no one can take away from them... many of them have it...but they hide it to the outside world out of fear that if someone on the 'outside' sees it... they may try to take it or crush it... one example... i watched a young man that most would figure as a gangbanger thug... give a woman some food out of his backpack... because she hadn't eaten... he didin't know her... he had just over heard her... best part of this... it took place in a homeless shelter... so many sit in homes and say... well... there's a food drive... what can we get rid of in the pantry... what haven't we eatan that has been sitting and we can just get rid of it... or buy something cheap and easy... and yet... this young man... gave of himself... he had nothing... he had a backpack and what clothes he wore... and he offered his food to her... you wanna talk about love for your fellow man... it humbled me... i also met a man who loved to play his drum... he is a cook... but the jobs are few and far between... and yet he plays... for other than death nothing can silence the music inside of him... a man who sees another man fall... and even though he doesn't know this man... stays by his side and comforts him and follows him to the hospital to make sure he's ok... or at the bare minimum has someone's hand to hold if he's not... and they had just met... this is what i have seen at the edge of society... and we call ourselves socialized... now i am not gonna say that it is all crimson and clover... these people all exist on the brink of nothingness... they live and walk through places that angels tread carefully... and yet they keep on going... and not only that... they spread the love... hope... music... compassion... they are roses that grow from potholes... they get it... and i am honored to walk among them... they understand... that no matter where you are... what your station in life... how low down in the gutter you are... there can be hope... love and compassion... if you let it be there... LLLAKYFOTPA

my son...

as many of you know i love my son... i used to pray... dear God... i know i'm goin' to hell... and i'm okay with that... as long as You make sure he don't go with me... for any who have had the priviledge to meet him... he is an awesome kid... he is more than i could have asked for in a son... in all acutality... he is the soul that i hope to be when the endgame rolls it's last cast... the way he looks at the world... the way he thinks... he has had some issues lately... but alot of that seems to just be where he is in life and the fact that he is starting to turn into a man... now in that... comes fears... in writing this...i have had an honor and priviledge to have other kiddos who have called me dad... and for each one of them... i pray for them every day and am proud of all of their accomplishments even if it can only be done from afar... but Bubba has been by my side his entire life... he has seen things and lived a life that very few 10 year old experience... heh... probably more things than some people see in an entire lifetime... and he has been a shining light through it all... i wrote a poem about it a while back... and it just kinda sums it all up... i can't find it... dangit...

...late night thoughts after having an impromptu convo...

...as many of you know a couple of the pieces of art i have gathered over the years are some larger angels one on each leg... on guarding the gates of heaven so only the righteous  get in and one gaurding the gates of hell so that no one escapes... on the latter... it says around that angel... 'it is far easier to enter into the gates of hell than it is to ascend from it's depths'... as i was talking with a bruther of mine i suddenly realized how ingrained some things are... i remember being about 11 years old and a person told me that with some of the thoughts and opinions i expressed those were evil opinions and i was going to go to hell if i thought like that... this was supposed to be someone who was supportive in my growth... and at the time... my pop had just left... i was in the throws of puberty... so i just went with it... i figured i was goin' to hell so why try... by the time i was 14 i had shattered every one of the 10 commandments multiple times... had rolled over the 7 deadly sins like they were he speed up arrows on video games... i had become such a problem that my mom was forced to kick me out and because no one would take me... for a period of time i was living in a homeless shelter on the toughest block in Minneapolis when the city first got it's nickname 'Murderapolis'... the advice that was given to me by a worker who worked for 'project offstreets' a homeless advocate... 'kid... either get tough or die'... well... i didn't die... now advance 21 years... or 2 years ago and my life pivotally changes... one of the things that i used to write alot was 'don't know a heaven, but i've made peace with hell.' ...because i had... i felt i had done enough in my life that i was unforgivable... that i had not only turned away... but as many of you know... not only was i a malevolent sob... i took pleasure in tearing apart peoples faith... tearing down beliefs... and now... well i was wrong... i think the biggest part of it... i felt like i was unable to be forgiven by the one who created me... i had gone out of my way to sin in every way shape and form... with gusto... and search through my mind to try and figure out how to take my sins to the maximum... i think that was why i was able to be cold... calculating... the only person in the world that would take me beyond that point at that time was my son... he has always been that way... i remember thinking... look God... i know i ain't goin' to heaven... i'm ok with that... just let me make sure he don't go with me... i had developed tothe point that some of the people taht were closest to me were convinced i was a sociopath... and some still lean that ways at certain times... i don't blame them... i fancied myself as the anti-hero... the bad guy people cheered for... the worst part of that... i had trapped myself in all of that... even in writing this i can feel some of the nostalgia creep in... and yet the farther i get away from it... the less i miss it... all i used to think about was the power... sex... drugs... and rock-n-roll... romanticised... the farther out i get... i think about all the broken lives... and i think there is something that tries to tug at your soul and tell you this is where you belong... in the darkness... in the misery... you are unsavable... you are unforgivable... and it is the greatest lie you have ever been told... which is kinda humorous for me cuz i started with the left leg with no intention of jumping over to the right... my right leg says... 'the greatest illusion the devil ever created was to convince the world that he didn't exist'... i think that's what happened... i convinced myself that the devil really wasn't pulling the strings... it was me... i had become the devil... and so hell was where i belonged... now he may not be pulling the strings like a puppeteer... but one thing i have discovered... both sides will put things before you to give you a choice... a pivotal moment... and it's all in that choice... but what i have to remember... is the love... that's what keeps me in the direction... the love gives me direction... and the wings to ascend... even from the gates of hell... i dk if this makes any sense to anyone but me... but either or... the devil is gonna create a maze of mirrors to convince you that you are hopelessly lost... trapped...  unsavable... the thing you have to remember is that a mirror is only glass...and if ya bring a hammer with ya... you can bust a pathway out... i love each and everyone of  you and God does too... LLLAKYFOTPA XD

...the one thing i have found...

...the longer that i stay on this path... the deeper the fire burns... it's hard to explain... i used to say i was an alcohol fueled whoop ass machine... and now... when i'm able to sit... get things out... and just focus on who i now am and not who i once was... i can feel this fire inside of me... and as it grows my spirits rise... it never goes out... it's inside of all of us... i once wrote that deep inside of me there is this place... a dark sanctuary... place that was once ardorned in light but at the time was in decay... an alter to the darkness... a gothic cathedral that had become a masoleum... the windows covered in soot... the gargolyes sitting in silence awaiting the day that they'd crumble and fall their lifeless eyes staring into nothingness for this place had become nothingness... and yet at the center one lone candle was left... flickering... throwing shadows across the walls like demons dancing in the dark... the thing i always have to remember... it isn't my job to light the candles... it is just my job not to chain the doors... to keep them open... for once i chain the doors it becomes a masoleum... a place to hold something decomposing... but with the doors open... the light and the air can come in and the one who restores all can come in and do His work... and keep me as the fire fueled beastie of light that i was made to be... LLLAKYFOTPA XD

...faith...and holding on...

...sometimes i have up days... sometimes i have down ones... that's just how life is... when i have the down days something tends to try and point out what i see as my faults... mistakes... the should have... could have... would have... in talking to the amount of people i do i know that seems to be a basic human flaw... part of my ability to see only so far... in that are insecurities... self loathing... fear... pain... apathy... for me my worst default is apathy... i was once told by someone who's job it was to deal wiith people that were 'bad people' that i was the most apathetic individual that he had ever met... and that i scared him... i flash back to that when i have my down days... because for me my apathy was and can be tied to the part of it that makes it whut makes it so cruddy... selfishness... that part is whut gets me... whut has been a large part of a series of downfalls... in that hurting those that i love the most... with self fulfilling prophecy... and every other form of darkness that i can think of... it was said more than once... 'you have no conscience'... and... i didn't... i could travel through life unfeeling... stone... the problem with that... it was all a charade... i could feel it all... or at least store it away... that has been the hardest part of my change... looking into my once dark and twisted soul and taking ownership of it... in that... i was able to break free... but at times... i take those chains back... i have come to terms with most of it... and the chains that i carry at times become less and less... but the ones that i take back... are the ones that weighed me down the most... the ones that hurt the ones that i love the most... they wrap themselves around me like the tentacles of some deep sea monster octopus... trying to drag me into the depths that they once held me close in... the worst part of that... at times... i accept them... like jacob marley out of a christmas carol... i just accept them... i forget what my faith and my study has taught me... i forget the ways that i have changed... soem of that comes from the fact that some still see the old me... like when i told a bruther of mine when he asked me whut i had been up to i told him... 'being an upstanding citizen'... you woulda thought that i had told him the funniest joke in the world... and i had to look him in the eye and say... 'no.. really'... you woulda thought i hit him with a ball peen with the look he gave me... i have become used to that... from those folks... but then there are those few... who i have disappointed who i once held so close... and because i was who i was... selfish... self centered... egotistical... self righteous... they can't see past that... i know that it is because of the level that they cared... the level that they loved... and i can accept that... but it is a bitter pill to swallow... but all i can do is keep on keepin' on... marching forward... cuz the only thing stepping back would do is reaffirm to them whut they can't let go of... so... yeah... just had to get that off of my chest... so i will wait... and keep my faith... cuz when it comes down to it... if the rest of the world faded away... all i would wnat to be left with is faith and love... i love each and every one of u and God does too... LLLAKYFOTPA XD