...randoms...

...sometimes life presents itself in so many forms that it is a point of overload... that is when i am thankful for some of my bruthers... guys that i can dump out the garbage trucks of life with and sort through what is saveable and whut is just trash... i hate it when people play hostage games with people that you love... there are some kiddos in my life that i love like my own... and yet... when trouble arises... i don't get to talk to them as much as i'd like to... or spend time with them... just hangin'... the weird part of this... Bubba's mom is being awesome right now... i pray that we have finally gotten to the point of understanding... i was no angel... yeah... i know so many of you say... really preach? u've always been such an upstanding citizen... heh... yeah... right... i can admit... i may be one of the most difficult men in the world to love in a partner relationship type way... ask anyone who's dated me or more... i can admit it... especially with the path that has been splayed behind me... basically... sex... drugs... and rock-n-roll... not anywhere close to a family lifestyle... and for the most part for the past 10 years it was predominantly me and bubba... and i was plaing the role of the injured wolverine... even when the truth be told i was responsible for alot of  relationship problems in life... i have a very hard time trusting people... especially women... i can dig out some of the roots of it... but i have already assesed it and there really isn't any reason to dig up old skeletons... alot of it has to do with the part i played in it too... i was intent on destroying relationships... i could give you a barrage of reasons why... but it would only be my side... and also... let's face reality...for me and others i'd bet... i'm 37... i have had plenty of bad relationships and i know my role in them... but it makes me gunshy... i have major issues trusting anyone... except Bubba... he's the only one... that's just the way it is... at the same right... i have been nowhere close to being a trustworthy person... some of that could be attributed to the lifestyle i had... some of it could be blamed on society... i remember watching on George Lopez and i quote... 'someday you're going to lie to someone you care about to save your butt, that's how you know it's love'... yeah... but when it comes down to it... it's the choices i made along the way... that's the reality... so all i can do... is try to live each day remembering those choices and not dwelling on them... but using them as 'things not to do'... it helps when i gottalot of bruthers and sisturs who dig me for me... and just love... but i still have my moments when insecurities and fears creep in and i feel undeserving of various things... that's just the way it is... it has gotten better... but the thing that makes it better for me is sharing it... and my faith... cuz like my pastor likes to say... 'God don't make junk'.... i know i talk in loops... i'm coffeed up and working on work issues and just needed to jot stuff down... got to have some fuel with a bruther of mine and just talk about dude stuff and that helped sort out alot... but ya know that some of whut makes me me is being able to sit here and type... at least this time around i am not drunk... high... stoned... or anything else... heh yeah... mebbe that will make this writing a lil less out there than my old myspace stuff... welll... mebbe... my advice for the day... somtimes you have to throw caution into the wind... sometimes you have to go on gut feelings and faith... and when one door closes another one opens... and if one doesn't open right at that moment... mebbe God just wants you spend a lil time in reflection... cuz the good Lord knows... i get distracted easily... unless i keep focused... and remember that it is very important to... ooooh.... shiny... LLLAKYFOTPA