...Christmas... tis the season...

...tis the season... for me whut does that mean... some very poignant highs and lows... lows... well... someone leaving on Chirstmas Eve... One murder... One fatal accident... and other fun such... the highs... having a perfect Christmas... be able to give things to those who truly need them... finding that one gift that a child keeps and keeps and keeps... i do like the songs and the decorations... but at the same right this year i lack the mindset... i have tried... i am just under alot of stress right now... on the one hand... i was able to give out a few presents to some folks who really needed it... thanx to a generous benefactor... at the same right... i find myself searching for something... i know that this is supposed to be the most magical time of year... at the same right i try to make each day something magical... and for me... there has been the wonderous joy in the eyes of folks who were waiting for a Christmas miracle of sorts... and yet... my Christmas... is in shambles so far... it is whut it is... some of it is out of my control... left in the hands of those who are publice searvants... some of it seems to be caught up in politics and buisiness practice... and it just it... it's stuff i have no control over... and yet i find myself pulling myself apart at things i have no control over... some of it are things that i have said... at weak moments... defensive things... replying to statements given... and in that it could have been the last thing i have said to someone as i have not seen or talked to them since... emotions run tense... i tend to be like an animal that is wounded and cornered at times... lashing out... granted my lashes now are usually emotions that i have not expressed... held in... some that i came to terms with but yet at the moment of impact i let the scar rip open and let it out once again... i guess the hardest part... is the kids... the ones who i have lived to see the joy in their eyes... their laughter... their smiles... and this year... it won't be happenin'... due to my fears... my insecurities andother things that are not in my control... and never were... all i can do is hope... pray... and love from afar... that God's will be done... i think that is the hardest part for me... and may always be... cuz i want control when my life is changing... but at the same right control is only an illlusion... a false sense of security... just a ghost in the fog... and when you chase a ghost into the fog you can easily become hopelessly lost... either or... i guess it is whut it is... and all i can really do is just keep my hope alive... cuz without hope... alll there is is nothing... an empty void... even a black hole that will not only pull you close but tear you to shreds if it gits the chance... so i will fight towards the light... i will stand in the storm... and i will open my arms to the one who is truly in control... even when i feel the need to give in... becuz the one true thing in live... is love... and that is whut keeps me rollin'... so with that... LLLAKYFOTPA XD