...the next day...

...i actually have a little downtime today... weird... but cool... sometimes you get blind sided by something good... i was hit by a wonderful generosity by a bruther of mine last night... i had been praying on something... working with the homeless is a diificult job... rewarding... but at the same right with the position we are currently in... it is a difficult job... there are times where we go through a dry spell... this is one of those times... we have wonderous fantastic things happening... doors opening... things great and epic things... but we are run purely by donation... and as we all know... right now is tough for alot of people so to make sure that our work keeps on giving out to the where God is calling us... we tighten our belts... and in turn we just exist... i have had some wonderful bruthers and their fams who have just been so wonderful... and well... last night was one of those moments... a bruther once again gave me an opprotunity that he didn't have to... he felt compelled to do it... and for me... it is an answer to my prayers... the hardest part of my job in the main part of it... it is a 24/7 job... it happens at all times... all hours... and pretty much anything can happen at any given moment... it keeps me on my toes... but it also doesn't provide much of  a schedule for a second job... well... last night a bruther of mine gave me a job that i can do in my spare time... it just happened... i had been praying on guidance... signs... help... and it came in the form of a late night phone call... i will explain more later as i feel like it is something great that will be shared... but either or... yeah... Our God is an awesome God... LLLAKYFOTPA XD

late night rants and such... or better titled... why not to drink mt dew after midnight...

i don't know whut it is... i can drink coffee and drop straight off... but mt dew... and i am busy planting crops in farmville... installing dvd players and drag racing in car town... and shooting every concievable type of weapon at heavily armed dogs... bunnies... kitties... monkeys... and other cute woodland creatures who are just as heavily armed as i if not moreso on wild ones... and typing... yep... jacked on dew... heh... either or... yeah... listenin' to hair metal and giving a quick overview of the past few days and just tryin' to find that zzzz spot... with how busy i have been in the last few days you'd think i'd just drop... survey says... XXX... wrong answer... the top 5 are on the board... and the other team has the chance to steal...

...ok... rant... the only downside of bein' at DDC was that one of the 'workers' not a volunteer a person who is just in the shelter for a paycheck as an employee said something that really bothered me... as many know... i'm a smoker... i hope to not be someday... but at the moment... i'm a smoker... so i was packing a new pack... and the guy says... 'hey... you may not wanna show them that you gotta new pack... they'll take every last one from you'... oh and that was right after he asked if he could have a smoke... i explained that that's why i brought an extra pack... because i have been in shelters... i have lived there... granted it was 22 years ago... but i was there... i remember that cigarettes are gold down there... just cuz it is a very simple pleasure in life for people... and in some places... that's all they got left is the simple pleasures... if that... that wasn't the part that ticked me off... it was the broad stereotypical generalization... the funnny part... with at least 200 homeless folks surrounding me... i still walked out with a half a pack... and that was with a couple of guys getting 2 cigs from me... and that was offered not asked for... it was the fact that even within' a shelter there is that space... like a crevasse... this giant imaginary span that people place in between those with an address and those without... one quick fact... HOMELESS IS NOT SOMEONE'S NAME... IT IS THEIR ADDRESS... wether we want to believe it or not... unless we are forunate to be independently wealthy... which is classified by a large news publication that has national readers as $18 million... every single one of us is one job loss... tragic event... or unknown factor away from joining those who live day to day in a place that no one sees... well... okay they do see... but they look right through... it's kinda funny... a question was raised the other day... for those who aren't aware... if you have just awoke from a coma... i work for Breakthrough Ministries... we work with the homeless... our motto 'Leading The Lost Home'... in one of our videos there is a still shot of a man sleeping in the street... and a woman on a cell phone having a conversation and completely ignoring him... the thoughtful quandry from a co-worker of mine... 'The thing I think of  when I see that picture... Which one of them is the lost one?' if you watch the 'missing pages' video on our page you will see the picture at 2:25... that's thye hardest part of being homeless people stop seeing you... you are a ghost in a real world... and when not only society places that on them... but a worker in a place where they lay their head at night... that's just wrong... i know that the shelters are places where hope and life is sucked out of you on a daily basis... it is a deep dark vortex at times almost black holish in a way... in space a black hole is such a powerful vortex that even light cannnot escape it... in theory... either or... i was pissed off that the whole part of that was said by the worker... i got it out... so... goosfraba...

...funny... one... Welcome To The Jungle is on right now... heh... two... while we were down at DDC we had brought food and gifts... the food was served throughout the night... after their dinner there were pies... doughnuts... cream puffs... and pretty much every other type of goodie... i had been talkin' to some new found friends of mine who had made my night... anyways... i was on my way back in from a cigarette... and one of the BTM volunteers... our volunteers... said 'Merry Christmas!!!' and attempted to hand me a gift... heh... yeah... i gottakick outta that... XD

rant... i will not say who this was or which denomination it was... but... yeah... lol... Twisted Sister's 'We're Not Gonna Take It' just came on... how fitting... i was talking to him in a social setting... we were talking just about where we worked and whut we did.... he is a pastor of a large church... and this was kinda pleasant talk just to get through a social situation pleasantly... and let me just say... in a social setting i like this person... he's a good man... but we got on the conversation of where in the city we worked... he had told me of how he had worked certain areas... and then side barred onto a situation where he had to go down by the Excel Center and that he just didn't feel safe there... how he'd never go down there at night... and even if he went down to that neighborhood in the day he'd keep hie eyes open and his doors locked... and all i could think is... yeah... cuz Jesus was all about stayin' out of the bad neighborhoods and only walking the sidewalks around the Govenor's mansion...

...i wonder if any rap stars ever feel weirded out when the first person they thank is God... and they do it with this giant crucifix encrusted with rubies and diamonds... i mean we all know that Jesus was all about the bling bling... but... idk

i wonder if everyone who has ever killed in the name of a deity is gonna get to a day of Judgement... and God is gonna take them aside and say... 'ok... now where in this book do you see... 'and to you Bob... you must enslave people in my name... torture them and kill them'... u know whut Bob... u don't see it cuz it ain't in there... u read the cliff's notes version and edited it youself Bob... to the back of the class there buddy'...

LLLAKYFOTPA

...randoms...

...sometimes life presents itself in so many forms that it is a point of overload... that is when i am thankful for some of my bruthers... guys that i can dump out the garbage trucks of life with and sort through what is saveable and whut is just trash... i hate it when people play hostage games with people that you love... there are some kiddos in my life that i love like my own... and yet... when trouble arises... i don't get to talk to them as much as i'd like to... or spend time with them... just hangin'... the weird part of this... Bubba's mom is being awesome right now... i pray that we have finally gotten to the point of understanding... i was no angel... yeah... i know so many of you say... really preach? u've always been such an upstanding citizen... heh... yeah... right... i can admit... i may be one of the most difficult men in the world to love in a partner relationship type way... ask anyone who's dated me or more... i can admit it... especially with the path that has been splayed behind me... basically... sex... drugs... and rock-n-roll... not anywhere close to a family lifestyle... and for the most part for the past 10 years it was predominantly me and bubba... and i was plaing the role of the injured wolverine... even when the truth be told i was responsible for alot of  relationship problems in life... i have a very hard time trusting people... especially women... i can dig out some of the roots of it... but i have already assesed it and there really isn't any reason to dig up old skeletons... alot of it has to do with the part i played in it too... i was intent on destroying relationships... i could give you a barrage of reasons why... but it would only be my side... and also... let's face reality...for me and others i'd bet... i'm 37... i have had plenty of bad relationships and i know my role in them... but it makes me gunshy... i have major issues trusting anyone... except Bubba... he's the only one... that's just the way it is... at the same right... i have been nowhere close to being a trustworthy person... some of that could be attributed to the lifestyle i had... some of it could be blamed on society... i remember watching on George Lopez and i quote... 'someday you're going to lie to someone you care about to save your butt, that's how you know it's love'... yeah... but when it comes down to it... it's the choices i made along the way... that's the reality... so all i can do... is try to live each day remembering those choices and not dwelling on them... but using them as 'things not to do'... it helps when i gottalot of bruthers and sisturs who dig me for me... and just love... but i still have my moments when insecurities and fears creep in and i feel undeserving of various things... that's just the way it is... it has gotten better... but the thing that makes it better for me is sharing it... and my faith... cuz like my pastor likes to say... 'God don't make junk'.... i know i talk in loops... i'm coffeed up and working on work issues and just needed to jot stuff down... got to have some fuel with a bruther of mine and just talk about dude stuff and that helped sort out alot... but ya know that some of whut makes me me is being able to sit here and type... at least this time around i am not drunk... high... stoned... or anything else... heh yeah... mebbe that will make this writing a lil less out there than my old myspace stuff... welll... mebbe... my advice for the day... somtimes you have to throw caution into the wind... sometimes you have to go on gut feelings and faith... and when one door closes another one opens... and if one doesn't open right at that moment... mebbe God just wants you spend a lil time in reflection... cuz the good Lord knows... i get distracted easily... unless i keep focused... and remember that it is very important to... ooooh.... shiny... LLLAKYFOTPA

...a continuation of an old thing...

as some of you know i used to write alot... my old myspace fan page was filled with the stuff... and i have been kinda feeling like that is part of me... so it's whut i do... this type of writing was part of a book that would never be really written... just a fictional tale of things in my head... so... yeah... here it goes...

As I Spread My Black Wings

     I have no face, no name, if I had a name I forgot it a long time ago. Back when I walked this earth before. I am now a nameless, faceless being. It's really hard to explain if I try to because things just get fuzzy from a certain point. I had a life once. Not what many would think if they see me now, I am just an existence, a form, a shadow. Not even sure why I am here. Sometimes it starts flooding back to me, at other times it is just a whisper deep in my soul, my life, was an endless time of salvation and damnation, walking that razor's edge, often jumping from one side to the other whenever it seemed most personally self gaining for me. I cost me everything that I held dear, not standing on one side or the other, being a moral mercenary if you will, and then the end came. Not how I expected it, hell, I had figured it all out so differently, but like I was told a thousand times, if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. Now I stand alone, no one with me, very few can even see me anynore, and for the most part those who do, well, I am one of the last things they want to see.
     For instance tonight. I sat in one of the places that I like to sit, a place where most won't see even if they look hard at it. A place where thousands pass by every day and yet they just pass by. Not looking, not seeing, not knowing, that within and arms reach, I was there, just waiting. I saw him, looking, watching, waiting, prowling. A predator, I can see it in him, the way he moves, the way he lurks in plain sight. Most will not notice him, he has mastered his craft, the craft of being seen and yet unseen. To most, he would be just, that guy, a little different, but not different enough to notice, but I notice, for me, he reeks of it, something that I have only come to know as, the darkness, some call it demons, some call it evil, whatever it is I can only describe it as darkness. A decision that he had made that led to another decision, and so on and so forth until he became a walking form of what strives to slowly eat away at the world. He is a predator, out looking for prey. Like a lion stalking a herd of gazelle in the long grass. Slowly moving, watching, waiting, and when the opportune moment comes, striking. Striking without mercy, compassion, any type of emotion that would make him human at that moment. No longer being who he was, but just letting his inner demon out.
    What makes him that way? The truth? All humans are capable of it, as they are also capable of being the guardians. It's all ingrained in us, it is how we were created, and within that creation we were all given the choice, some choose the narrow road, which is much more difficult, but in turn, is the true reward. Yet some, like this gentleman here, I'll call him that, for now. Hasn't made that choice, he has chosen that path that was laid before him that was wide and easy. I always thought it was funny, the whole Highway to Hell, and Stairway to Heaven, because most people when given the choice to dirve down a highway or climb stairs, well, I think you can all figure out which many decide and which few do.
     That's where I come in, I guess if this was the true animal kingdom, and the city was a forest, I would be a wolf, the top of the food chian, but yet I am an outcast, I stayed with the pack for a long time, running, hunting, forraging, and yet I found no comfort in that. In my life, I was the Alpha male, and yet there was no comfort in that existence, I have my own pack, that is true, but when I hunt like this, I hunt alone. Maybe because I don't want to be influenced, maybe because I don't want to be swayed from my target once I so choose. Or maybe it is just because that was how I was built, that was how I was made, that for some moments in my life the only way I can stand is to stand alone. Either or, It is what it is, and I am what I am. The animal that diverts the moment of impact and turns the predators into the prey. I am a hunter, and that is what I am.
     The man below has chosen, he sees his lamb that has strayed. She is about 22 from the looks of it, long blond hair that looks like it has been bleached 10 too many times, green heels that look like she could break a hip if she toppled off of them due to the height, and a green dress that almost matched the shoes and looked abut 3 sizes too small. I would guess a stripper, or as she would probably call herself a dancer, anything to make the nightmare of what she has to do for pay in this city paletable to herself. She has led a life of regrets, a life of bad choices, addiction, and pain. Granted, as all of us have, we are products of our choices, surroundings, and our raising to some extent. But she does not deserve the fate that he has chosen for her, no one does. She seems a little off, maybe she had a few or more, or an upper, or a downer, or a cocktail of things that just bring her back to the point that she was looking for. Either way, he can see it, smell it, feel it, and I makes him hungry. It's almost as if something insde him clicks, a switch gets flicked, a point where morality and sense is abandoned and the darkness comes. It's something that I have seen time and time again.
     My first thought is to end it at that moment, I don't know what it is, it drives me, like lava pulsing through my veins. I feel as if I am on fire, I feel the need to spread my black wings and stop this at this precise moment, but I can't, I won't. For this moment all I can do is pray, pray that he comes to his senses, pray that he can fight the darkness, for within him is the power to do that, everyone has it, even if they cannot see it or feel it, it is there. Screaming through the darkness, sometimes so loud I feel I can hear it, 'take my hand, I am here, take my hand, I am here'. Of course there were times in my life that I heard such calls and didn't listen, heh, maybe that's why I got sent back. Of course that part of it, I'm still not really sure about, I'm not even positive I even left in the first place, maybe just kinda woke up, but I'll get back to that later. I can see it working it's way through his system, he's not fighting it at all, like a pirahna that flinches the moment a droplet of blood touches the water, he almost seems to the point of a feeding frenzy. I know that it is now too far gone for him, it is now too late, he had made his decision and now I must make mine.
     He slowly moves closer to her, the people are thinning out, the bars have been closed down for about an hour and the people who are still out are either too inebriated to care, are just trying to go on their merry way and not become lambs for the slaughter, or predators themselves. The city has died down to a dull roar. I know this area well and can almost anticipate his point of attack, an area right by the river where the city comes up against God's nature, the sidewalk comes right alongside the foliage of the rvier, and the dense underbrush not only makes perfet cover, the rush of water over St. Anthony Falls will help disguise his attack. I have been hunting these types so long I can almost see inside their heads, it makes me want to vomit. But I have learned that I must give them every chance I can, for that is the way. heh, that's the hardest part of my job, waiting, I never have liked to wait, they say patience is a virtue, well, I guess then in that way I am not too virtuous.
     Please don't do it, please, don't do this to yourself. Too late, she tries to struggle and scream, but he is on her like a mountain lion. His hand quick to cover her mouth with something and his forward intertia pushing them right into the dense underbrush. I can see the fear in her eyes from here, and I spread my great black wings.
     Did I mention that I'm no fan of the underbrush? Yeah, when moving at a high velocity, it sucks. Either or from my point I was able to reach them, let's just say, before he could really get anywhere. I think he looks just as suprised and fearful as she did when he came for him. Before he knows it, he has become the prey. The girl may be more shocked than he, her mascara was already running down her face in anticipation of the horrors he had planned for her. All I can do is tell her, 'run, do not look back, find a church and make something of yourself', I don't look to see if she heeds my call, but from the sounds of it, she at least figured the run part out.
     Heh, and now onto him, it's often funny how once the predator becomes the prey the fight just goes right out of them, not all the time, but most. I think he is still trying to figure out what just happened. He just figgured it out, and now, has becaome the cornered animal, and now, instead of the darkness I can smell his fear.  He tries to be tough, 'you don't know who I am man', heh, yeah I do. I hate this part, but it is necessary, and it will do exactly what I have come to do. As I reach for him, he tries to struggle, but that never works. As I grasp his arm, he gets to see. It's his life, but from his victims point of view. Their emotions, their fears, theirs pain. I am an oracle for that of sorts, still not quite sure how it works, it just does. He gets to see what he has caused, what he has done, and fell it all as if it was happening to him all at once. The cruddy part of it for me, since I get to be the vessel, I get to see and feel it to, yeah, not fun. The hardest part for me is not to slaughter them where they stand while all of this is going on, and yet, to see the look on their faces when they come to terms with all of this, like the commercial says, priceless.
     As the visions subside he does, what they all do, crumples to the ground whimpering, crying, staring blankly at whatever they choose to stare blankly at, and my job is done, heh, yeah, even in this existence I am a middle man. I get to leave them on their own accord, and then see where their hearts lie after this experience, some will die that very night, victims of other human predators, sometimes by people that they have hurt along the way who seem unexplicably compelled to go to that exact spot that night. Some to just survive, only to not realize the error of their ways and to be shortly afteward visited by one of my, I call her, co-workers, and lets just say, she makes me look like the nice guy. I had this one one time, there he was, crying, staring blankly, and just helpless, and along came one of his victims, you wouldn't even want to know what this man had done to him, and then I saw what I'd never thought I'd see, he slowly crept forward, and when he realized who this man was he knelt right over his head and reached out with his hand slowly. As he did, I heard these words, 'Father, thank you for helping me find it within my heart to forgive this man, now please Father, watch over Him as you watch over me, I ask in your holy name. Amen.' Yeah, just when you give up on humanity, they throw you a curve.
     Either or, for now my job with him is done, and it's time to go back to work. It's it weird that I still get Dolly Parton's 9 to 5 stuck in my head from time to time while I'm on the job? As I slowly wander out of the brush, I can see her off to my left, sitting outside the local parish, heh, I guess she did process it. I slowly raise my hood up and turn to walk in the opposite direction, I can feel her stare at me, they can always seem to seem me form the point of impact til about a half and hour after, don't know why, that's just the way it is, never really stopped to run a post traumatic event interview. I hope she does get her life right, everyone has chances, they just need to take 'em. I think my sense get hightened when I have these moments, not like super senses, just hightened, cuz I swore I just hear her whisper, 'thank you'.

...so... i found Christmas...

...i went thru the day... enjoying it... watching Bubba just act like a kid... that was a great thing... and i enjoyed it... but it just wasn't there... i could feel it... i had surrounded myself with the spirit... i had been a santa of sorts... i had sang the songs... eaten the cookies... said the words... and tried to fake it til i make it... beat the scrooge away... and it just wasn't working... not sleeping... not eating right... not really... just going thru the motions... and sinking inside... losing myself... just existing in the season... trying to just cling to it... and yet... it just wasn't there... we headed down to DDC... bringing Christmas to the homeless... and i still wasn't in it... Bubba was great as usual... and all of the volunteers were a blessing... and just had a decent time... and still i couldn't feel it... it was so dang elusive... and then i stepped out for a cigarette... outside were 3 men... just talking... laughing... and being... i wanted to laugh... and all i could do was stand and stare blankly... slowly watching the snow fall outside... as i passed them i said excuse me... one of the guys in a new york accent said 'you should say that, do u know who he is?!'.. my hackles went up... great... Christmas night and i'm gonna get into a fight... 'no, i'm sorry who is he?'... the guy with the ny accent said why this is Two Wheeler Greg... he's gonna be a host for the new homeless tv show... and this is gonna be his sidekick... Larry the angry wheelchair guy'... i didn't know whut to say... wasn't sure how to take it... and then Larry chimed in... 'hey Tommy... will you shut the f*** up?!'... to which Tommy(ny accent) replied... 'see i told u he's angry... (then without missing a beat flew into a Jewish mother's voice) now Larry u know they're not gonna let u on national tv with words like that'... as a grin started to spread across my face Two Wheeler Greg said... 'yeah... and that's Tommy Bags... he's our publicist... as u can see... he ain't that good at it yet since were alll now homeless due to his lack of being able to promote us'... i started to laugh... after that it was an hour of sitting with those 3 guys... just like old friends... goofin' around like old friends would... Bubba even came over and got in on it... we had a blast... we sat there and laughed... all 3 of them had such wonderful senses of humor... we planned a bus route for Larry The Wheelchair Guy to take tomorrow to see his son... his son  lives close by but has also been hurt by the recession and lost his vehicle... so they hadn't been able to see each other for a while... we talked about everything... like guys who had known each other forever... we laughed about the ironies of life... we talked about our children and relationships... it was magical... in a place on the edge of society and existence i had found Christmas... time came when Two Wheeler Greg had 2 go... he had won the lottery... there is a shelter close by that has 20 beds... real beds... not a jailhouse mattress on the floor(DDC can fit more people inside with the mattresses on the floor, and when it comes down to it, for the amount of people it has to house, it is necessary)... you would have thought that he had won the powerball... just for a chance to sleep in a real bed... and that's when it hit me... it wasn't that the Christmas spirit had missed me... i had missed it... what it is really about... i know that i had said it over and over again... and yet i hadn't listened to my own words... i had found Christmas... in a homeless shelter... on Christmas day... So to Tommy Bags, Two Wheeler Greg, and Larry The Wheelchair Guy... thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me the best present of the year... my Christmas spirit...  I love each and every one of you and God does too! LLLAKYFOTPA XD

...life... death... the inbetween... and Christmas...

...so... life... death... the inbetween and Christmas... the best and worst part of Christmas... kids... we all know why the best part is... but right now i had to realize whut the worst part could be... my bruther's son is missing... just disappeared... now the hard part of that... he's a legal adult... so... there is no real knowing whut is going on... i have watched this kid grow up... me and his pop have gone through so many similar things in life all through our lives... and now... there is just an empty spot... space... an area to be filled in later... i can't even begin to comprehend whut my bruther is feeling... i lost bubba at a dept store 2 times as a kid... both times during the holidays... one cuz he wandered around the corner so i only lost him for about a second... the second time... Bubba thought it would be cute to play hide and seek... i was with some bruthers at a local dept store right... yeah... that was interesting to say the least... a bunch of the old crew screaming through a large retail store... and then Bubba appearing in an ailse giggling thinking that it was hilarious that he had 'hidden' from us... we didn't think it was so funny... and i'm sure that the other patrons who were watching 8-10 heavily tatted... wallet chain wearin'... pierced... guys with shirts that had Santa holding a ball peen hammer on the front and it said 'Seasons Beatings' on the back... screaming thru the store at breakneck speed yelling for someone named 'Bubba!!!' were also quite relieved when we found him and were returned to our natural festive state since we we doin' toys for tots during that whole fiasco... two moments in life that froze time for me... all of my worst fears had come to life... and my bruther is stuck in a perpetual moment like that... yeah... all i can do is have faith... in that i found out that there has been the first known casualty of winter... at least that i am aware of... a man just a few years older than me... froze to death underneath a minneapolis bridge... that was the place that he had called home... for me... that is unacceptable in the richest country in the world... and this man dies of exposure... in a city where homes that have over 5000 square feet and one or two people live... and he dies alone in the cold... really... and yet... there are children who celebrate a new coat... there are families who now have hope... there are those who have no faces or names who are making a difference... and in that i rejoice... nuch like the faceless... nameless man who once gave a scared kid behind a dumpster a coat... a blanket... and a bag lunch... the only thing that kid will ever know of the man is his jacket... with Salvation Army on the back of it and his voice... the voice of an angel... that simply said... 'don't worry kid, i ain't gonna hurt ya'... let us all take that moment in time where we are that voice to someone who needs it... I say this every year... mebbe so someone hears it... mebbe just to remind myself... Christmas shouldn't be just one day... it should be every day... not the oppulescent moments where we try and buy love... the moments where we just wish our fellow man well... where we give someone else hope... where our smile is the thing that spreads warmth and love... where our voice is that comfort that people just needed at that moment... one more story to think on and then i am gonna git some rest... there was this kid... he had made piss poor desicions... we all do... well his decisions had landed him at a homeless shelter in Minneapolis in his mid teens... arguably the toughest neighborhood in the city at the time... known as murderer's alley...well... this kid had had enough... as a homeless teen he had been forgotten by the world... panhandling he had been looked over and through and past for too long... he had had enough... in his room at the shelter he was on the top floor... one night he was standing staring out the window... looking at whut his life had become... he decided that was it... that was all he could stand... when he woke the next morning he decided it was time to nut up or shut up... he was gonna leap from that window that night at a precise time... as he prepared for his day he took the elevator that smelled of urine and feces down to the main floor to go about his daily stuff... hustlin'... pan hndlin'... whutever it took to git thru the day... as he walked out the front doors there was caraven of school buses... he had never wished so badly to be on a school bus... just like any other kid... as he watched the buses go by he stared at the vacant eyed children... all just there... staring blankly out the window looking thru him... the darkness was overwhelming... he just could feel it... the cold creeping in... and then... there was this little black girl... she had her hair braided... bright eyes... and she saw him... she smiled and waved... now that doesn't seem like much but for someone who feels like they have been forgotten by society... that simple act... saved his life... and she will never know whut she did... just by smiling and waving she reinstilled hope in his heart... she gave him a reason to see another day... just by acknowledging that he still existed... LLLAKYFOTPA

...Christmas... tis the season...

...tis the season... for me whut does that mean... some very poignant highs and lows... lows... well... someone leaving on Chirstmas Eve... One murder... One fatal accident... and other fun such... the highs... having a perfect Christmas... be able to give things to those who truly need them... finding that one gift that a child keeps and keeps and keeps... i do like the songs and the decorations... but at the same right this year i lack the mindset... i have tried... i am just under alot of stress right now... on the one hand... i was able to give out a few presents to some folks who really needed it... thanx to a generous benefactor... at the same right... i find myself searching for something... i know that this is supposed to be the most magical time of year... at the same right i try to make each day something magical... and for me... there has been the wonderous joy in the eyes of folks who were waiting for a Christmas miracle of sorts... and yet... my Christmas... is in shambles so far... it is whut it is... some of it is out of my control... left in the hands of those who are publice searvants... some of it seems to be caught up in politics and buisiness practice... and it just it... it's stuff i have no control over... and yet i find myself pulling myself apart at things i have no control over... some of it are things that i have said... at weak moments... defensive things... replying to statements given... and in that it could have been the last thing i have said to someone as i have not seen or talked to them since... emotions run tense... i tend to be like an animal that is wounded and cornered at times... lashing out... granted my lashes now are usually emotions that i have not expressed... held in... some that i came to terms with but yet at the moment of impact i let the scar rip open and let it out once again... i guess the hardest part... is the kids... the ones who i have lived to see the joy in their eyes... their laughter... their smiles... and this year... it won't be happenin'... due to my fears... my insecurities andother things that are not in my control... and never were... all i can do is hope... pray... and love from afar... that God's will be done... i think that is the hardest part for me... and may always be... cuz i want control when my life is changing... but at the same right control is only an illlusion... a false sense of security... just a ghost in the fog... and when you chase a ghost into the fog you can easily become hopelessly lost... either or... i guess it is whut it is... and all i can really do is just keep my hope alive... cuz without hope... alll there is is nothing... an empty void... even a black hole that will not only pull you close but tear you to shreds if it gits the chance... so i will fight towards the light... i will stand in the storm... and i will open my arms to the one who is truly in control... even when i feel the need to give in... becuz the one true thing in live... is love... and that is whut keeps me rollin'... so with that... LLLAKYFOTPA XD

...music soothes the svavge beast...

...heh... nowhere close to a savage beast... just have always liked that saying... just like a beautiful woman can do the same... but music is always there... through death... heartbreak... joy... births... relationships... all seasons... music transcends all... you can hear a sonng and it instantly takes you back... at least for me it does... a soundtrack of life... the smells... the sounds... the laughs... the frowns... it just is... but there are those times when the songlist while totally random seems just to be one of those playlists that you would program yourself... or mebbe God would program it... I think i have only said that aloud once before... those moments that take your breath away... where the world melts away and there is just music... for me that's how a few moments in my life have been... very poignant moments... where i can't remember exactly whut was said... but i can remember the song that was played or playing... heh... my mind travels to those times and places... singing around a campfire by the lake... a moment shared with everyone in a vehicle... kinda the whole Wayne's World type deal... but way better... those moments in life that we don't speak of much... for me i just love to think of them as almost if i speak of them they will lose some of their magic... why do i do that alot? not speak of things... memories... emotions... well... a long time ago i was told that in life i should never get to attached to things... anything... anyone... cuz in the lifestyle we were leading... 3 things would happen... death... prison... or someday you may have to go on the run... literally leaving everything and everyone behind at a moments notice...never getting too close because then it would just mean you may not be able to run... never really talked about this before... well once... either or... having that preprogrammed into me causes big issues... yeah... especially cuz since Bubba has been born... i started to change that... i still get distant very easily... and when you add social anxieties onto that... yeah... i think that's why i like places like facebook and such... i can stay distant... i have changed alot... i am much better at gettin' out in public... i guess with my occcupation it's kinda necessary... but at the same right... that ain't really me... it's just me handin' it off... cuz i couldn't do whut i do without a big carry from the big buy upstairs... that's just how it is with me... left to my own accord... heh... i would not be doin' anything close to whut i am doin' now... with my anxieties... please forgive me... just cuz i talk to you alot the dip... it ain't that i wanna hurt peoples feelings or anything like that... i just don't wanna overdo it with people... overstay my welcome... that's just how it is... either or... freebird is on... go figure... after only God knows why... and When the children cry before that one... lol... it has been like that all night... dang good songs though... so with that... i think it is time to git some z's and just be... faithfully... go figure... lol

allright... here we go again...

...for a long time i have liked to write... just write... randomly... abstract... how i think... i am not illiterate, but if i try too hard to worry about punctuation, spelling, and other stuff, so i use punctuation in a way that would make an english teacher stroke out and my preference to spell phonetically also does the same... but if i worry about that stuff... i tend to lose track of my train of thought... as many of you know me... DEEP POLITICALTHEOLOGICAL ooooh loook... shiny... had so much goin through my head lately... i love Christmas, but have come to hate the corporate crap that goes with it... kinda like Sturgis... heh... i can't justify all of the crap that goes with 'an American Christmas' especially when someone's single gift costs more than some families have to spend on their Christmas meal, am i saying we should feel guilty for working hard, having all good luck when it comes to retaining jobs, homes, vehicles, no, but i am saying that we should be thankful for the things we take for granted, and yeah, if we do have excess, mebbe consider those who could use our excess more... as many of you know i work on whut many call the frontlines, the edge of society, for me, that is where i am most comfortable, a place where life is on the line every day, a place where people enter and leave whut many would call normal society, i feel most comfortable with these folks, that ain't sayin' i don't clean up good and can place my manners where it needs to be, actually due to my multiple stations in life i can pretty effectively operate in almost any form or setting... i have whut they call woo... winning others over... yeah... like that's a suprise... i guess when i don't have dilligaf... lol... yeah... i suppose my attitude has changed a lil over tha past few years... it is whut it is and i do whut i do... i found a new way... i thought at one time it was kinder and gentler.. and in a way it is... but i still am on the frontlines...i have had so many things change... thoughts... feelings... my way of life... and yet i am still the rough around the edges... bull in a china shop... open mouth insert foot... oooooooops... kinda guy... i ain't always the kat with the sharpest klaws... but oh well... either or... i gottalot in my head.... and  i figure that i am just gonna let it flow out and go from there.. hope all your worlds are aces... LLLAKYFOTPA XD and for the old schoolers who read the old stuff... LIVE EASY, STAY GREASY!!! Much Love Papabear AKA Preacher

...heh... let's play how many people i can piss off today...

...i understand the novelty of flash mobs and all of that... and i am sure that there are many that i annoy from time to time on fb with any of my many music listings... rants... and many other things that i can do on here that may seem excessive... incessant... annoying... but i just had to say this... i appreciate the want to spread Christmas cheer and joy... and i think that people getting together to congregate in that is great... but can some people please do it where it is needed... i spent the week dealing with some absolutely wonderful humbling people... and in turn... could someone please do a flashmob where it is needed?  The Children's Hospital... Dorothy Day Homeless Shelter... Union Gospel Mission... A Battered Women's and Children's center... that is all... and i am well aware i am a dick... but that is how i feel... i am currently working with children and adults that can't afford to go to the mall because they don't have a car... and in some cases can't even afford bus fare... and in most cases do not even have clothes that would make them feel comfortable walking through our malls... i don't wish to hurt any feelings... cuz whut u folks do i think is very cool... bringing folks together to spread joy and smiles... all i ask is that someone spreads them where hope and love is needed most this year... i love each and every one of you and God does too... LLLAKYFOTPA XD

Ok...

Welcome to my den. For some of you this will be kinda a flasback of sorts... granted now things have changed in my life... but it's kinda like the old school days and my 'randoms' on myspace... heh... just not as... well probably will be just as out there but in a different way or mebbe direction... gonna start slow at first and even see if this takes... cuz for those that read the stuff that now will never be published and has actually been completely destroyed... so if you have printouts or whutever from that page... heh... you may now be the only one with that stuff... so... yeah... either or... life is strange but good... feel like i am being pulled in 3 million directions at once... but at least i have a clear head to try and make decisions with... gonna be kinda weird doing all of this writing now since any of you who were on my old myspace fan page... well... most of that stuff was done under massive influence of whutever was at hand... so... we'll just see where this goes... LLLAKYFOTPA XD