Mindspill

     We often go through life in wonderment and awe, I sit and ponder the reason of my existence more than I would like to admit, but I also feel we all do. I am at odds with many people, and often wonder if I can go through the day without a confrontation of some sort. I was raised to speak my mind, and as most know I do so without a filter, in that it has only been a short time where I have had compassion for those that are not in my direct life, or my inner circle per say. I have many that I call my brother and sister, and am blessed in that way, but it tends to come with a price.
     At one time in my life, at this point the bulk of it, I rambled through life with the grace of a rhinoceros and the compassion of a rabid pack of wolves. It was what I had chosen for myself, and even when I knew I was wrong, I felt that I had made my bed and so I must lie in it, there was no way out. Then it happened, I know that many who read this have many different beliefs in many different areas, but for me, I was able to find a peace in Jesus Christ and His teachings. It made want to be a better man, but most of all it taught me compassion, caring, kindness, grace, but most of all love for my fellow man. You may knock it, but it is was gave my life meaning, reason, and most of all peace. I don't want to get into some debate on semantics, this is my belief, and I do it with faith and trust.
     In my old life I believed in whatever made me be able to palate the things I did. Let's face it, I considered myself a modern day pirate. 'Take what you can, give nothing back' was my motto, and unless you were blood, screw you, and in some instances if you were blood, I'd still do what I wanted and leave you in the lurch. I knew nothing of God's grace or love, I just felt He was a big kid and we were His ant farm, He'd just give us a shake every now and then, and call it a day. I believed in peace through superior firepower, and every now and then you had to shake the chains to make sure everyone knew who was in charge. Not realizing that I had chained myself to a beast that outgrew me, I was larger then life, so many stories about me that even I got confused about which ones were true. I had my 'outside life' a life where I did what I wanted when I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted and didn't care who or what were the repercussions because I would roll over the repercussions like a steamroller.
   The only thing that mattered to me was my son. I had even made a deal with the devil, telling him that he could have me, and I would be all that he wanted me to be, I would march myself and all that would follow me into the gates of hell, as long as he would leave my precious son alone. In time more have called me dad, and I made the same deal for each of them. I would say, 'I won't know a heaven, but I have made peace with hell.'
    Then it happened, I found my salvation, I found an inner peace, I found forgiveness. I found God at the front of a church that I had been forced to go to, listening to a man that I resented, and one fateful altar call, I realized the truth. I had once written, 'I've fallen from the grace of God, my once glowing halo is broke, I've entered through the gates of hell, and heaven is only a joke.'  Suddenly, I realized the joke was on me, there was no deal, my soul was already paid for, I know that many of you may scoff at this point, but for me, in the blink of an eye, I found myself with that man that I resented praying for forgiveness, truly praying for it, and in a moment that cannot be explained in words I was given it. I know alot of you are calling BS, but for those of you who have experienced it, you understand. My heart was stone as we started that prayer, and as we said amen, it happened. I felt this hand reach into my chest and cup my heart, I don't know how to explain it, it cupped my heart and I knew it was ok. I proceeded to hit my knees and sob like a child. I could feel again, the guilt, the pain, the suffering, it was all gone. I can't even comprehend how to express it.
    In my fury one time I had told a brother of mine who would always piss me off by preaching to me, 'If you're such a man of God, why don't you save my soul?' I would respond to his word, and there I was, saved.
     I think that the misconception is that once you make that move that daisies will drop from the ceiling and life just smooths out, well, it doesn't, it's still life. The difference now, is that I have faith, I have for me an undeniable love out there that was made specifically for me, for you too. The beauty for me, is in that faith, I can feel it, and see it, and let it flow from me.
     Now back to where I was going with this, in the it's not always roses department, my old self tries to rear it's ugly head when it get's a chance. At the same right, I've come too far to turn back, I have regained relationships with my family, evolved relationships with my bros and sis's, and have developed relationships with others that are real actual relationships. I still screw up and get annoyed, but now I am able to talk about it, and express it in more positive ways. I started out with a plan for this writing, but I guess I've blown off what I needed to.
    In short, we all have issues, we all have pasts, but we also have a chance to find things that make the noise inside of us quiet down. For me, Jesus is the way, the truth, and the light, and most of all my lifeblood of my faith and peace. I hope you each find that peace of belief wherever you are in life. Just remember that we are all in this together. Just love each other. Or as Bill S. Preston Esquire and Ted Theodore Logan would say, 'Be excellent to each other.'

The opposite of faith is fear, and the opposite of fear is faith, so if you are fearful, where is your faith?

    We all have fears, it is the fiber of some of our existence at times, we are a nation that is often entertained by fear, it provides a rush of adrenaline and endorphin's that we sometimes crave. Yet we can become muddled in it, and sometimes we can succumb to it. We are taught
     So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  -Isaiah 41:10
     Yet I feel we often forget the words that have been written on our hearts by the devil and his emissaries. We get bottled up, whether it  is for our lives, our children, or any number of things that we can go through in a day. I am going to be completely transparent in this one, so hold on.
     I am a very fearful man if left to my own accord, I over think too many things and have a hard time 'letting go and letting God'. I often forget His power, attempting to put Him in a box that I see fit, at the same right forgetting that His pinkie toe fails to fit into the largest box I can comprehend in my human mind. I tend to forget all of the promises.
     Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. -Luke 12:7
    So if He knows whats up with hair #523, why do I spend so much time worrying about the rest of it. I tend to forget that this life is only a Journey to the Discovery of a new day. I look at my days trials and tribulations as an insurmountable obstacle, when I am only looking into tomorrow, and God is looking into an eternity. 
    I have been working on returning my family to it's best semblance as possible, in that, I am picking up the pieces of relationships that I helped tatter and bruise over the years. Dealing with hurts that have come from and been dealt from all sides. Trying to mend hearts and souls that have seen their share of wear. I hope that soon my love will be able to make her way back to me and we will not only truly rekindle what we have not lost grip of in seven years or so, but we will finally be married and be able to move onto that next level. We have some battles to win, but I feel we are almost there. We need to find a place to live, that we can afford, we will get married, and we will continue to heal wounds that have been made. In that there is fear, the great 'what if?' We have loved each other from both near and far for so long and yet we both have fears. We often fail to fully embrace the fact that even when we disliked each other that there was always love there, and even before either one of us came to the Lord there was faith.
    In one year Streets Of Hope has gone from me, a rusty Bronco, and a bible, to the operation it is becoming. Multiple fleet vehicles, multiple 'home bases' if you will, and more people than I can count or name who have been supporting this movement in ways that I dared not dream. In that we have had blessings and outpourings that are incomparable, we have gone from nothing to something. In that we have such and excess of donations in so many things that we have turned to donating our excess in these things to other outreaches and ministries. Yet we run a razors edge with finances, and right now our 2 vans are in disrepair, the blessing in that, we have been loaned vehicles to be able to continue our transporting folks in need. We have been able to either assist many people in ways that we never expected and even in areas have assisted people in other states of our great nation. Yet the fears still come. 
     I often forget what it says in the first book of James.

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

9The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position. 10But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower. 11For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his business.

12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Most of all I have to remember that I must not bottle up my fears inside, I must come before the Lord and use His strength as mine, never forgetting that it is His power that is given. In that to always remember to fear not, for He is with me. Secondly, to let those who mean something to me who will lift me up on this earth when I am weary, know that I am afraid, because let's face it, we all have times of fear. It's up to us to decide, what do we do with that fear, do we let it eat us alive, or do we stand up and move in faith, and if we can't ask our brothers and sisters for help us up in the truth that we are family and that's what family does. I love each and everyone of you and God does too.

I am human.

     Recently, it has come to my attention that someone has been telling a story that I threatened him. In that, I did lose my temper. I truly believe that if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. The first time I lost my temper with Mr. X we had been moving a church organ from northern MN to an elder folks home so they could have an organ where they resided for their church services. As most know, Amy, Princess, Pojo, and Lil are in NC, and at that time was when there were a collection of tornados looming down on them. As I was talking to Amy she expressed her fear and that they were getting close. As she said that her line went dead. I immediately stoped what I was doing and told Mr. X and my son that we needed to pray for their safety. To which Mr. X promptly put Bubba in a head lock and started to goof around, to which point I snapped, and told him that we needed to pray, and this was no time for jacking around. I used another term which I'm not proud of, but it is what it is. I'm not perfect. Shortly there after Mr. X went on a slanderous campaign against me and said many things which were not true about me and what I was doing. I confided to 2 people that I was struggling in my walk, every time I went around his action was to attempt to stare me down, and at times it was very difficult, I wanted to con front him, but I knew that it was not the right time to. I was not a very nice man in my past, I was downright rotten. I was known for not backing down and responding to any threat with swift and severe response. Mr. X was made aware of these confessions and requests for help by my 2 confidants. The next time was when Mr. X was moving into an apartment, I had secured everything that he had needed to comfortably exist in there by myself, and had loaded it and unloaded it by myself into my home so that when the day came he could be able to be prepared. The day came, and I had to do some auto work  for one of the local pastors so he could get to church the next day. I told Mr. X that Bubba was willing to help him, and since I had singlely loaded and unloaded it, he should have no problem with it. He said fine. About an hour into working on the car I got frantic calls from my room mate and my son. The latter being Bubba telling me that Mr. X had lost his temper and proceded to throw things, punch things, and out of fear Bubba had locked himself in the garage so that he would be safe from Mr. X's rampage. I prayed all the way home, and then proceeded to confront Mr. X about what had happened, including admitting what had gone through my mind and asking him for forgiveness. I make no excuses, and quite honestly, when it comes to someone coming between an eminent situation regarding my family, or my son feeling afraid to walk into his own home. I'm gonna have issues with it. I'm not perfect, I'm human, and I will defend and protect my family and their well being with all that I have. I'm human, I make mistakes, but I will live my life as an open book so that when confronted, the truth will be brought into the light. I love each and every one of you and God does too.

One More Thing

   I have a hard time asking for help for myself. I would much rather ask for someone else other than myself. One thing that is essential for me in the field is a working laptop, not only to be able to document people and places along the way, but to be able to write what I write when the moments hit. I have tried many other methods and means, but as some of you who have followed my 'writings from the road', 'randoms', and any other of my stuff along the way, for some reason it is just the easiest for me to be able to type it out on a keyboard, I'm not sure why, but it is what it is. The other issue with that is that I must strike when the iron is hot, otherwise my thoughts tend to get lost in the wind, and is either never conveyed as well as when the emotions are fresh in my skull, or, it never gets written at all. My last laptop unfortunately was 'built incorrectly' as I was told by a good friend who attempted to fix it, when it was rebuilt, a necessary heat shield was not placed inside causing the board to overheat and fry it. So, in that, I need a laptop to be able to accurately document things when they happen, as they happen. I am putting this out there in the hopes that I can hopefully find a solution, and continue to do the work that I do, the best that God allows me to. I love each and every one of you and God does too. LLLAKYFOTPA

Trials and Tribulations

     I have decided to place my personal writings in Papabear's Den and write work related things into Stories of Hope. I have gotten away from writing lately for personal reasons, well, let's face it, sometimes life gets too busy. For me, one of the first thing I tend to do is focus on other things than my own issues. Why do we do that? I like to think because when standing outsside the box we are sometimes able to better address the issues, the problem with that is that I tend to lose focus on what I ned to do for myself. Sometimes, it is easier to 'dodge' my personal issues. I have been called the 'artful dodger', if something starts slowing or becomes difficult, that I will grab another task that waits in the wings to attack and let the other task become stagnant. The issue with that is that if the issue is not properly addressed, or properly wrapped up so that it can be adequately shelved, it becomes an anchor and not just a shelved item. It can not only become an issue, but can actually stunt forward progression or growth.
     I love my job, I get to be with people and hopefully help them along with the problems or issues at hand, the issue with that, I sometimes have to rip open my ribcage and stare directly into my own fears and past issues on a daily basis. Which can be a good thing, if I let myself look into it and conceptually work at it, but if I take that festering wound and attempt to cover it, without not only addressing it, but taking the time to take out the infection, use the proper salve, and then let it begin to heal, it can become infected and begin to become a larger problem than it was originally. I was once asked, 'what does it take to do what I do?', the best answer I could have at the time, 'be able to have your heart broken 1000 times a day'. Well, in that, there is alot of truth, but at the same right, it can be overwhelming at times. This is one of these times.
    I have not been at the shelters much lately, I have been out in the streets and campgrounds mostly, 'campgrounds?' you may ask. Yes, campgrounds, there are hundreds of campgrounds around the cities, not city or state areas dedicated to swimming, campfires, volleyball, and such, but places, some so close that if you looked hard enough, you would be suprised. I will not give out any locations of such camps, but I will tell you that I have stood in campgounds not only in the cities, but I have yet to find one suburb that doesn't have some type of campsite. Yep, that's right, I have been throughout the metro suburbs and stood in campgrounds. The difference? The city seems to be mostly single adults. The suburbs? Families, yep, families. Too often I have heard the story, mom lost her job, but that was ok because dad still had his, then dad lost his job, we lost the house, and here we are. Why? because, I felt a need to make necessary connections there. My feeling was only accentuated when one of the folks who works for a local shelter asked me, 'Where have you been? I haven't seen you around.'. I replied that I had been in the camps, at which point they asked how many camps. I told them apporximately how many camps and how many people. To that they replied, 'What are they gonna do this winter?! We are already turning people away, and it's summertime, what are we going to do this winter?!'. To which I replied, 'Exactly'.
     Every year, in the most prosperous nation in the world, people freeze to death. How is that possible? How can I be talking about winter on a beautiful August day? I have been letting this fester since the first cool breeze came in from Canada a short while ago. Reflecting on one of the many stories told to me by the brothers and sisters I have met along the way. One of my brother's sat with tears in his eyes and told me how all of the shelters were full, emergency and regular. So, when the MN deep freeze hit, a week of sustained double digit negatives, he was 'lucky' enough to have enough blankets and sleeping bags to hunker under in the abandoned trailer of a semi truck. He would only venture out for a few short minutes to grab ice and snow to put it in his thermos so he would have water, urinating in a bottle under the blankets so he would not be exposed to the elements and 'holding it' as long as he could each time for the other, so he would not be exposed to the elements. Now, I know what many of you are thinking. You may be thinking of the stereotypes that you think of in homelessness. Let me tell you, my brother is so far from that, 14 years ago he was a bike courrier who was hit by a cab while working, it actually made the paper and he carries the story around with him. The cab company settled with him at a standard that most of us would scoff at, but for him, a minimally educated man, who just worked hard and lived minimally, it seemed like a windfall, even if it left him permanently disabled. Now, he lives in a campground, after last winter he has spent most of his summer 'preparing', since for him, 'there's no end in sight, other than death'.
    Worst part, that's just one of the many stories of those who are getting ready for winter. So, in that, this is one of the thousands of reasons that I do what I do. I love each and every one of you and God does too. LLLAKYFOTPA
    

Support and its importance

Yesterday an issue was brought to my attention, I have been talking to a young couple quite a bit lately, they live in the DDC. The girl is pregnant, and is about 7 months along, both of them have stories of hard lives and trying to make decisions in tough situations, and it ultimately bringing them to homelessness. The girl approached me, and asked a simple question. ‘Hey Preach, I know you guys help people, well, I need help.’ I quickly asked how could I help. She replied, ‘My grandmother died, and her funeral is tomorrow.’ She looked away and in a quiet voice said, ‘I don’t have anything to wear for the funeral.’ My heart just went out to her, at this point in her life, with a baby on the way, she didn’t even have proper clothes to wear to her beloved grandmother’s funeral.

I was humbled, my mind had been on things that seemed important at that moment, and as I was wondering what I could do, God walked in. One of the folks who has come alongside of BTM is Amy Jones, her and her husband Paul have supported us in times of need, she has created a supply line that she has graciously offered to assist in our Ministry, her’s is called ‘Bag the Cold’. They operate out of the Jones home and have been instrumental in helping us by taking in donations of sleeping bags, blankets, hats, coats, gloves, boots, and many other necessities that have greatly comforted the people that I see everyday. The items have been such a blessing and in God’s infinite wisdom have come to us when most needed, and of course, it is exactly what is need, when it is needed.

I quickly thought to call Amy and tell her of what had been brought before me. As I listed what was needed, a shirt, a pair of pants, and a simple pair of shoes, she responded with, ‘I will have those to you by 2pm’. In a matter of minutes, my prayers had been answered. Amy showed up at the shelter, with the items in tow, and gave them to this gal. I once again stood in awe of God’s work, and the faithfulness of His servants, the clothes fit perfectly, and were exactly what she needed. She was going to go to her grandmother’s funeral  in the proper attire. Now normally, you’d think that would be the end of the story, it isn’t.

One of the folks who saw all of this happen, had to ask. ‘What makes you give a (expletive) about us?’ Normally, I would have said, ‘it’s what we do.’ But the man who asked the question is a man known only as Caveman, he has been known to have a difficult demeanor for the most part, and is one of the ‘hardcore’ guys down there. I looked at him and said, ‘because it is what we are supposed to do.’ He just looked at me. ‘Why?’ he replied. ‘Because that’s what God would want me to do.’ I answered.  ‘for a while I lived at the Four Ten.’ He looked at me and just kinda half smiled, and said, ’wow, you must be one tough mother(expletive), that place was no joke.’ The Four Ten was a homeless shelter for women and children, and when I spent my time there, was when Minneapolis was becoming ‘murderapolis’ for the first time. It was a shelter that became so ridden with crime and drugs that the city decided that nothing could be done to save it, and moved everyone out of it and tore it down, the empty parking lot at the corner of 4^th and 10^th in Minneapolis is all that is left of it. I continued to explain, ‘At more times in my life than I can count, I was blessed to have people just come along, and remind me that I was loved and that my life mattered, and so for me, that’s my job now, and I am blessed to have it, I want to make sure that you guys never forget that there are folks out there who care about you and pray for you every night.

He just looked at me. For the next few minutes we talked of life, spirituality, death, politics, and a lot of other day to day things. It was a great conversation where we laughed and just enjoyed being people with commonalities and good company. As it came time for me to get ready to go I stood up and got ready to go. ‘ain’t ya gonna stay for dinner?’ Caveman asked, as he and Cavewoman(his gal) got into the line for dinner. The line had already expanded to 20 people beyond them, and at least 100 before them. Cavewoman quickly said, ‘You’re with us, just jump in line.’ Who could say no to that. We talked of more, which I will let you know more of later as I may be enlisting some help from some of you for a very righteous cause. The short and skinny of it is that Cavewoman’s son was killed while riding his bicycle when he was hit by a bus. One of his favorite things in the world was to fish, and with some of your help, I would like to take Caveman and Cavewoman fishing somewhere locally where we can spend the day in a boat fishing, and at the end of the day Cavewoman can spread her son’s ashes. So, just let me know via here or just give me a call, if you are interested in helping make that happen. I love each and every one of you and God does too. LLLAKYFOTPA

A Bilble and Rev. Bob Battle

A Bible and Rev. Bob Battle

                On Monday after lunch I was approached by Two Wheeler Greg, he asked if I could possibly give a woman a ride to the clinic. The clinic is just a short walk away from the shelter, I knew the clinic was only a short walk away, but I agreed anyways. As I said yes, Greg said, ‘This is Pat, she is the one needing the ride.’ Pat introduced herself, and thanked me, I think she sensed that I was about to ask her why she was not going to just walk there, and she said, ‘I have fibromyalgia, even short walks for me are extremely painful, my daughter and I both have it, but mine is farther along than hers. I need to get to the clinic so I can be seen and get my medications. I have been trying to get there for a while, but I haven’t been able to, and my medication ran out 3 days ago, and I am in a lot of pain.’ So, I quickly and happily obliged.

                Pat is one of those folks that we are seeing more and more on the streets. She had a professional career, and did quite well for herself. She had raised her daughter Brianna by herself, but was able to push through that and create quite a life for herself. Then her parents got sick, mom first, then dad, and when it was all over the bills from them were too great, and she lost it all. We talked about all of that on the way to and from the clinic. That story will be told shortly as she has agreed to sit with me and share it very soon, but it is from this moment that the other happened.

                On Sunday I had taken some of my guys to church, I have been doing this for a month or so now, and the group keeps on getting bigger. The guys had a blast, my church is a very upbeat church, and everyone I have brought there says they want to come back, and I am praying for some help with that as I only have so much room in my truck, and the number of people wanting to go exceeds the seating in my truck.

                Last Sunday I brought my friend Tawa to church. Tawa is from Belize and is on the far right of the picture posted on the Breakthrough Ministries Facebook page. His only request was for a King James bible, because that is what he preferred to read. I told him that God would provide one, and at the same time, didn’t know how He was going to, because we at BTM are struggling right now. At the same right I knew that God would provide a bible.

                As I dropped Pat off at the clinic, I started to make my way back to the DDC, thinking and praying on how I could find this bible, as I turned the corner from University to Rice street I saw a church I recognized, not because I had attended, but because months before I had been meeting a colleague on the way to a meeting and needed to follow her as I did not know the way to it. She had gotten stuck in this church’s entrance. I remember as we were digging her car out, Pastor Jennie had mentioned, ‘This is Bob Battle’s church, he is a great man of God.’ I had passed the church as I was processing that, but I felt compelled that maybe he could help me, at the same right, it was 11am on a Tuesday, what were my chances of catching him?

                I should have known the answer to that, God put him there right at that moment. For those who know me, you can probably picture the look on his face when I approached him, for those who don’t, let me explain. I am 6’3”, I drive a big ford bronco, and I have both ears double pierced, and I am almost always wearing my black superman baseball cap, and a pair of sunglasses. I have been told that when people first see me, I can seem very intimidating. Either way, Bob had found the need to run by the office with his family in tow, just to stop by for a quick second. As I approached him I could see the tentative look on his face. I was excited so I had hopped down from my truck had approached him saying, ‘are you Bob Battle?!’ he paused, and said, ‘yes, how can I help you?’  I introduced myself and told him how I had arrived at his doorstep, and as I explained ho I had gotten there his demeanor quickly changed. He invited me into the church saying, ‘if you had been a minute earlier or a minute later you wouldn’t have caught me.’ He quickly brought me into the sanctuary and grabbed a brand new KJV bible, and then asked, ‘can I dedicate it to him?’ I responded, ‘I would have it no other way.

                There is still more to the story, but I will finish it later. Either way, God put Rev. Bob Battle and I in the precise place, at a very precise moment to get a job done. So to quote my pastor, ‘PRAISALLUJAH!!!’ I love each and every one of you and God does too. LLLAKYFOTPA