We often go through life in wonderment and awe, I sit and ponder the reason of my existence more than I would like to admit, but I also feel we all do. I am at odds with many people, and often wonder if I can go through the day without a confrontation of some sort. I was raised to speak my mind, and as most know I do so without a filter, in that it has only been a short time where I have had compassion for those that are not in my direct life, or my inner circle per say. I have many that I call my brother and sister, and am blessed in that way, but it tends to come with a price.
At one time in my life, at this point the bulk of it, I rambled through life with the grace of a rhinoceros and the compassion of a rabid pack of wolves. It was what I had chosen for myself, and even when I knew I was wrong, I felt that I had made my bed and so I must lie in it, there was no way out. Then it happened, I know that many who read this have many different beliefs in many different areas, but for me, I was able to find a peace in Jesus Christ and His teachings. It made want to be a better man, but most of all it taught me compassion, caring, kindness, grace, but most of all love for my fellow man. You may knock it, but it is was gave my life meaning, reason, and most of all peace. I don't want to get into some debate on semantics, this is my belief, and I do it with faith and trust.
In my old life I believed in whatever made me be able to palate the things I did. Let's face it, I considered myself a modern day pirate. 'Take what you can, give nothing back' was my motto, and unless you were blood, screw you, and in some instances if you were blood, I'd still do what I wanted and leave you in the lurch. I knew nothing of God's grace or love, I just felt He was a big kid and we were His ant farm, He'd just give us a shake every now and then, and call it a day. I believed in peace through superior firepower, and every now and then you had to shake the chains to make sure everyone knew who was in charge. Not realizing that I had chained myself to a beast that outgrew me, I was larger then life, so many stories about me that even I got confused about which ones were true. I had my 'outside life' a life where I did what I wanted when I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted and didn't care who or what were the repercussions because I would roll over the repercussions like a steamroller.
The only thing that mattered to me was my son. I had even made a deal with the devil, telling him that he could have me, and I would be all that he wanted me to be, I would march myself and all that would follow me into the gates of hell, as long as he would leave my precious son alone. In time more have called me dad, and I made the same deal for each of them. I would say, 'I won't know a heaven, but I have made peace with hell.'
Then it happened, I found my salvation, I found an inner peace, I found forgiveness. I found God at the front of a church that I had been forced to go to, listening to a man that I resented, and one fateful altar call, I realized the truth. I had once written, 'I've fallen from the grace of God, my once glowing halo is broke, I've entered through the gates of hell, and heaven is only a joke.' Suddenly, I realized the joke was on me, there was no deal, my soul was already paid for, I know that many of you may scoff at this point, but for me, in the blink of an eye, I found myself with that man that I resented praying for forgiveness, truly praying for it, and in a moment that cannot be explained in words I was given it. I know alot of you are calling BS, but for those of you who have experienced it, you understand. My heart was stone as we started that prayer, and as we said amen, it happened. I felt this hand reach into my chest and cup my heart, I don't know how to explain it, it cupped my heart and I knew it was ok. I proceeded to hit my knees and sob like a child. I could feel again, the guilt, the pain, the suffering, it was all gone. I can't even comprehend how to express it.
In my fury one time I had told a brother of mine who would always piss me off by preaching to me, 'If you're such a man of God, why don't you save my soul?' I would respond to his word, and there I was, saved.
I think that the misconception is that once you make that move that daisies will drop from the ceiling and life just smooths out, well, it doesn't, it's still life. The difference now, is that I have faith, I have for me an undeniable love out there that was made specifically for me, for you too. The beauty for me, is in that faith, I can feel it, and see it, and let it flow from me.
Now back to where I was going with this, in the it's not always roses department, my old self tries to rear it's ugly head when it get's a chance. At the same right, I've come too far to turn back, I have regained relationships with my family, evolved relationships with my bros and sis's, and have developed relationships with others that are real actual relationships. I still screw up and get annoyed, but now I am able to talk about it, and express it in more positive ways. I started out with a plan for this writing, but I guess I've blown off what I needed to.
In short, we all have issues, we all have pasts, but we also have a chance to find things that make the noise inside of us quiet down. For me, Jesus is the way, the truth, and the light, and most of all my lifeblood of my faith and peace. I hope you each find that peace of belief wherever you are in life. Just remember that we are all in this together. Just love each other. Or as Bill S. Preston Esquire and Ted Theodore Logan would say, 'Be excellent to each other.'
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