Mindspill

     We often go through life in wonderment and awe, I sit and ponder the reason of my existence more than I would like to admit, but I also feel we all do. I am at odds with many people, and often wonder if I can go through the day without a confrontation of some sort. I was raised to speak my mind, and as most know I do so without a filter, in that it has only been a short time where I have had compassion for those that are not in my direct life, or my inner circle per say. I have many that I call my brother and sister, and am blessed in that way, but it tends to come with a price.
     At one time in my life, at this point the bulk of it, I rambled through life with the grace of a rhinoceros and the compassion of a rabid pack of wolves. It was what I had chosen for myself, and even when I knew I was wrong, I felt that I had made my bed and so I must lie in it, there was no way out. Then it happened, I know that many who read this have many different beliefs in many different areas, but for me, I was able to find a peace in Jesus Christ and His teachings. It made want to be a better man, but most of all it taught me compassion, caring, kindness, grace, but most of all love for my fellow man. You may knock it, but it is was gave my life meaning, reason, and most of all peace. I don't want to get into some debate on semantics, this is my belief, and I do it with faith and trust.
     In my old life I believed in whatever made me be able to palate the things I did. Let's face it, I considered myself a modern day pirate. 'Take what you can, give nothing back' was my motto, and unless you were blood, screw you, and in some instances if you were blood, I'd still do what I wanted and leave you in the lurch. I knew nothing of God's grace or love, I just felt He was a big kid and we were His ant farm, He'd just give us a shake every now and then, and call it a day. I believed in peace through superior firepower, and every now and then you had to shake the chains to make sure everyone knew who was in charge. Not realizing that I had chained myself to a beast that outgrew me, I was larger then life, so many stories about me that even I got confused about which ones were true. I had my 'outside life' a life where I did what I wanted when I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted and didn't care who or what were the repercussions because I would roll over the repercussions like a steamroller.
   The only thing that mattered to me was my son. I had even made a deal with the devil, telling him that he could have me, and I would be all that he wanted me to be, I would march myself and all that would follow me into the gates of hell, as long as he would leave my precious son alone. In time more have called me dad, and I made the same deal for each of them. I would say, 'I won't know a heaven, but I have made peace with hell.'
    Then it happened, I found my salvation, I found an inner peace, I found forgiveness. I found God at the front of a church that I had been forced to go to, listening to a man that I resented, and one fateful altar call, I realized the truth. I had once written, 'I've fallen from the grace of God, my once glowing halo is broke, I've entered through the gates of hell, and heaven is only a joke.'  Suddenly, I realized the joke was on me, there was no deal, my soul was already paid for, I know that many of you may scoff at this point, but for me, in the blink of an eye, I found myself with that man that I resented praying for forgiveness, truly praying for it, and in a moment that cannot be explained in words I was given it. I know alot of you are calling BS, but for those of you who have experienced it, you understand. My heart was stone as we started that prayer, and as we said amen, it happened. I felt this hand reach into my chest and cup my heart, I don't know how to explain it, it cupped my heart and I knew it was ok. I proceeded to hit my knees and sob like a child. I could feel again, the guilt, the pain, the suffering, it was all gone. I can't even comprehend how to express it.
    In my fury one time I had told a brother of mine who would always piss me off by preaching to me, 'If you're such a man of God, why don't you save my soul?' I would respond to his word, and there I was, saved.
     I think that the misconception is that once you make that move that daisies will drop from the ceiling and life just smooths out, well, it doesn't, it's still life. The difference now, is that I have faith, I have for me an undeniable love out there that was made specifically for me, for you too. The beauty for me, is in that faith, I can feel it, and see it, and let it flow from me.
     Now back to where I was going with this, in the it's not always roses department, my old self tries to rear it's ugly head when it get's a chance. At the same right, I've come too far to turn back, I have regained relationships with my family, evolved relationships with my bros and sis's, and have developed relationships with others that are real actual relationships. I still screw up and get annoyed, but now I am able to talk about it, and express it in more positive ways. I started out with a plan for this writing, but I guess I've blown off what I needed to.
    In short, we all have issues, we all have pasts, but we also have a chance to find things that make the noise inside of us quiet down. For me, Jesus is the way, the truth, and the light, and most of all my lifeblood of my faith and peace. I hope you each find that peace of belief wherever you are in life. Just remember that we are all in this together. Just love each other. Or as Bill S. Preston Esquire and Ted Theodore Logan would say, 'Be excellent to each other.'

The opposite of faith is fear, and the opposite of fear is faith, so if you are fearful, where is your faith?

    We all have fears, it is the fiber of some of our existence at times, we are a nation that is often entertained by fear, it provides a rush of adrenaline and endorphin's that we sometimes crave. Yet we can become muddled in it, and sometimes we can succumb to it. We are taught
     So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  -Isaiah 41:10
     Yet I feel we often forget the words that have been written on our hearts by the devil and his emissaries. We get bottled up, whether it  is for our lives, our children, or any number of things that we can go through in a day. I am going to be completely transparent in this one, so hold on.
     I am a very fearful man if left to my own accord, I over think too many things and have a hard time 'letting go and letting God'. I often forget His power, attempting to put Him in a box that I see fit, at the same right forgetting that His pinkie toe fails to fit into the largest box I can comprehend in my human mind. I tend to forget all of the promises.
     Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. -Luke 12:7
    So if He knows whats up with hair #523, why do I spend so much time worrying about the rest of it. I tend to forget that this life is only a Journey to the Discovery of a new day. I look at my days trials and tribulations as an insurmountable obstacle, when I am only looking into tomorrow, and God is looking into an eternity. 
    I have been working on returning my family to it's best semblance as possible, in that, I am picking up the pieces of relationships that I helped tatter and bruise over the years. Dealing with hurts that have come from and been dealt from all sides. Trying to mend hearts and souls that have seen their share of wear. I hope that soon my love will be able to make her way back to me and we will not only truly rekindle what we have not lost grip of in seven years or so, but we will finally be married and be able to move onto that next level. We have some battles to win, but I feel we are almost there. We need to find a place to live, that we can afford, we will get married, and we will continue to heal wounds that have been made. In that there is fear, the great 'what if?' We have loved each other from both near and far for so long and yet we both have fears. We often fail to fully embrace the fact that even when we disliked each other that there was always love there, and even before either one of us came to the Lord there was faith.
    In one year Streets Of Hope has gone from me, a rusty Bronco, and a bible, to the operation it is becoming. Multiple fleet vehicles, multiple 'home bases' if you will, and more people than I can count or name who have been supporting this movement in ways that I dared not dream. In that we have had blessings and outpourings that are incomparable, we have gone from nothing to something. In that we have such and excess of donations in so many things that we have turned to donating our excess in these things to other outreaches and ministries. Yet we run a razors edge with finances, and right now our 2 vans are in disrepair, the blessing in that, we have been loaned vehicles to be able to continue our transporting folks in need. We have been able to either assist many people in ways that we never expected and even in areas have assisted people in other states of our great nation. Yet the fears still come. 
     I often forget what it says in the first book of James.

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

9The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position. 10But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower. 11For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his business.

12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Most of all I have to remember that I must not bottle up my fears inside, I must come before the Lord and use His strength as mine, never forgetting that it is His power that is given. In that to always remember to fear not, for He is with me. Secondly, to let those who mean something to me who will lift me up on this earth when I am weary, know that I am afraid, because let's face it, we all have times of fear. It's up to us to decide, what do we do with that fear, do we let it eat us alive, or do we stand up and move in faith, and if we can't ask our brothers and sisters for help us up in the truth that we are family and that's what family does. I love each and everyone of you and God does too.